Dry humour

LIKE a lost and thirsty traveller stumbling through a desert, then suddenly spying the mirage of a Tennent’s Lager can, the English football team find themselves closing in on silverware.

The generous denizens of Scotia are, of course, delighted for their neighbours, and are encouraging the players to continue booting the ball around the park in the dazzling style that has already put more people to sleep than a cushioned rocking-chair in front of a crackling hearth.

Douglas Robinson from Dundee says: “Before retiring, I worked as a painter and decorator, so can actually boast that I’ve watched paint dry. It was not the most entertaining of activities.

“Though I must admit that the experience was marginally more thrilling than the current England team, who I’d describe as similar to watching dry paint remain dry.”

Food for thought

JUST when you thought it was safe to stroll around Glasgow city centre, a new fast-food emporium arrives.

An American hamburger joint called Popeyes plonked itself on Sauchiehall Street last week, opposite a McDonald’s chomp-factory.

Presumably the two businesses will compete to see who can satisfy the most Glesga gourmets. (A Glesga gourmet is any local who shares the same refined tastebuds as the swooping seagulls, who eat pretty much anything they can scavenge, from a portion of soggy chips to the polystyrene box they’re packaged in.) But back to Popeyes. Apparently the food-chain originated in New Orleans, though it’s the name above the door that most intrigues.

Reader Maggie Bailey and her husband were strolling past on the opening day, which inspired hubby to say: “What do you bet the main ingredient in the food is olive oil?”

Name game

IMPRESSED reader Brian Chrystal says: “How appropriate that one of the co-founders of Granton-based sculpture foundry Powderhall Bronze is called Brian Caster.”

Chris Robertson wonders if this delicious treat is similar to a knuckle sandwich…Chris Robertson wonders if this delicious treat is similar to a knuckle sandwich… (Image: free)

Duff Di

WE continue ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

George Dale from Beith would like to see an untalented version of a legendary pop diva, who would be called… Diana Dross.

Play away

MORE footballing thoughts.

This time we won’t pick on those poor English folk, and instead concentrate our gaze further afield.

Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie says: “If Iran played Brunei at footy, would the scoreboard in the top corner of the TV say: Irn-Bru?”

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Hard to swallow

A TRICKY, icky question from Neil Gibson, who says: “What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?”

The answer is: “Finding half a worm.”