Winging it

SCIENTISTS do a lot of invaluable work, leading to a better understanding of the world we live in.

But sometimes they just lounge around in the local boozer, figuring out silly experiments they can try, before arriving at results that are just plain bonkers.

Case in point: Researchers have discovered that the hippopotamus can become airborne for substantial periods of time.

The Diary hasn’t yet ascertained what "substantial" means in this context.

Presumably it describes the hippo bouncing slightly as it trots, and doesn’t mean the chubby animal drifts through the clouds, five miles above the earth, before elegantly landing in Miami for its summer hols.

Even so, it’s scarcely credible that such solid beasts should be able to escape terra firma for even the briefest of moments.

Reader Martin Cullen claims to know how they achieve this remarkable feat.

“Look closely at your average hippo,” says Martin. “I bet you’ll spot a pair of delicate butterfly wings between their shoulder blades.”


Handy advice

WE mentioned that youngsters are enjoying a break from school, with many participating in local summer courses.

Reader Anne Hamilton was supervising a group of 11-year-olds who were being taken to Kelvingrove Park for the afternoon.

As the gang were about to cross a busy road, Anne ordered the little uns to hold hands with the person next to them.

One courteous wee chap offered his mitt to the closest girl, who contemptuously sniffed: “You won’t be holding MY hand. That’s technically illegal.”

“It’s true that fish can be very exciting,” notes reader Colin Laird, “especially when it comes with chips.”“It’s true that fish can be very exciting,” notes reader Colin Laird, “especially when it comes with chips.” (Image: Contributed)

Salad days

A NEW fast-food outlet named Popeyes has opened in Sauchiehall Street, as we reported yesterday.

Reader Bill Howlett admits: “If I start munching burgers there every day, it won’t be Popeyes, it’ll be pop-trouser buttons. Better off nibbling a boring salad.”


Flight of fancy

TRANSPORT expert Simon Mackenzie points out: “Pilots are so well-trained, most of the time they operate on autopilot.”

Get the legendary Herald Diary straight to your inbox.

Heeeere’s… Johnny!

WE continue ruining famous bands and singers by adding just one letter to their name.

Gordon McRae suggests a madcap mash-up of country music and punk rock, resulting in… Johnny Clash.


Stage rage

CULTURE-LOVING Sarah Giles and her husband visited London, and found themselves in the capital’s popular West End, where they watched a play.

Afterwards Sarah asked hubby if he enjoyed it.

He merely groaned, then said: “That show went so slowly the actors could have been arrested for loitering.”


Bum deal 

SYMPATHETIC reader Adrian Forrest says: “Every day is like having another prostate examination, if you’re a ventriloquist dummy.”