Tepid talker
There has been a lot of heated debate regarding Sir Keir Starmer and his voice coach, and whether any Covid lockdown restrictions had been broken.
The Diary, meanwhile, was surprised to learn that he had any training in this area, for even now his vocal chords sound as though they’ve been slathered in the same gel he uses to crush and constrain his hair.
Sir Keir’s pontifications continue to be as welcome and inspiring as the junk mail delivered through your letterbox: though at least junk mail is usually printed on glossy, colourful paper. The PM’s speeches have the sheen and shimmer of dusty brown wrapping-paper crumpled and forgotten in the loft.
The UK’s leader might not be the most motivating of fellas, though thankfully the Diary is always around to invigorate and energise, as you’ll now discover with the following classic tales from our archives…
Walk this way
A South Side chap was telling his pals he had recently been in a private hospital having an ankle injury treated.
He added: “The surgeon said I would be up and walking in two weeks. He was right – I had to sell my car, the hospital bill was that high.”
Scratch that
A reader was in a local shop when the pensioner in front of him handed over a basket of groceries which came to more than eight quid.
“I can’t afford that on my pension,” declared the old lady, who instructed the shop assistant not to ring up the cauliflower in the basket.
Our reader was just about to offer to pay for the vegetable when the old lady then told the assistant: “And two scratchcards.”
Boozy berk barred
Teenagers are known to sometimes carry a fake ID with them in order to get into licensed premises.
One chap who failed at a Glasgow pub one weekend was the youngster who was stopped at the door and asked for identification.
Perhaps he had already been drinking, as momentarily confused, he reached into his pocket then asked the doorman: “Which one is it? The 21 or the 18-year-old?”
Acting up
A West of Scotland drama teacher was discussing with a class the ability of some actors to weep when it suits them.
The teacher explained: “They think of something that usually makes them cry. Try it yourselves.”
She then asked the class after a few minutes what they had been thinking about, and one non-crying girl replied: “Onions.”
Old swinger
Former US President Bill Clinton was once making a point at the Scottish Business Awards, where he was guest speaker, about the level of surveillance in our lives.
He noted that everyone now has camera phones, then said: “Do you know the difference between when I played golf at St Andrews today and when I played there 10 years ago?”
He perhaps wasn’t expecting the Scottish businessman who shouted out: “10 shots?”
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