The media has gone into an epic frenzy, reporting on the exploits of Count Binface (Count Binface Party), who is standing against Nigel Farage (Reform UK) in an important by-election.
“It's such a British thing,” points out the Diary’s political correspondent, David Donaldson.
“You can't imagine a Napoleon Binapart running for president of France, can you?”
Strange brew
The student daughter of reader Paul Brendon is a weekend waitress in a working man’s café, or a ‘greasy spoon’, as such establishments are often labelled.
Though Paul’s daughter reports that the spoons aren’t in the least bit greasy. They’re immaculate, in fact. (If only the same could be said about the forks…)
Anyway, the café’s customers are regular folk, with little in the way of heirs and graces.
However, last weekend a posh, elderly couple somehow found themselves sitting at one of the Formica tables.
They ordered two teas, which duly arrived, whereupon Paul’s daughter overheard the following vignette play out between the couple…
Posh woman (sipping beverage, then wincing): But darling, I ordered tea!
Posh chap (surprised): It isn’t?
Posh woman (wary): Surely it can’t be.
Posh chap: Coffee, perhaps?
Posh woman (glaring accusingly at offending mug): I very much doubt it.
Posh chap (defeated shrug): “Might as well drink it… and leave the mystery unresolved.”
Musical mishap
Disappointed Frank Hannon got home from the boozer and informed his wife that he had lost a pub quiz because he didn’t know the name of Nirvana’s first album.
“Never mind,” said his wife.
Can’t stand the heat
The sizzling summer weather isn’t to everyone’s liking.
Reader Deborah O’Connor happened to mention to a friend that she was struggling to sleep at night because of the suffocating heat.
“Yes,” agreed the friend. “Hot weather’s like caviar or matcha. Overrated.”
Fighting talk
Kindly daughter Connie Logan often visits her mum and dad, though it can be a frustrating experience as the elderly couple are often exceedingly tetchy with each other.
“I wish you and dad would stop quarrelling,” Connie once complained to her mum.
“Oh, we don’t quarrel,” said an outraged mum, adding definitively: “We argue… but never quarrel.”
Brought to book
Life isn’t always a thrill a minute.
Sometimes it isn’t even a thrill an hour, a day, a week or a month…
Reader Don Byrnes found himself feeling especially bored, which led to desperate measures.
“Because I was fed up I decided to memorise six pages of the dictionary,” he tells us. “I learned next to nothing.”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
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