The Diary is collecting songs with a golfing angle.
Gordon Gibb suggests: ‘Bye Bye Birdie’ and also ‘Fairway To Heaven’.
Making a spectacle of yourself
Holyrood is debating legislation regarding what some are calling ‘spy glasses’, a new invention from Meta, where tiny video cameras are installed in spectacles.
Technology correspondent David Donaldson says: “I understand the correct term for people who wear Meta specs is ‘Glassholes’.”
Bohemian rhapsody
English teacher Mary Hamilton once praised a poem written by a pupil.
The girl was delighted, and after class confided to Mary that she fully intended embracing her talents, and had decided to become a professional poet.
Mary, realising that poets tend to starve in grubby garrets, felt impelled to disabuse the youth of any romantic notions she might have about the life of the bohemian genius.
To this effect she explained: “The only poets who make money are the ones who get hired by a birthday card factory.”
“Great,” beamed the young poet, her enthusiasm for the arts undiminished. “Where do I sign up?”
“Clearly the young scribe wasn’t intending on becoming the next TS Eliot,” chuckles Mary to the Diary.
Maths is mightier
Education, continued.
Schoolteacher Mike Yates says: “People often ask why I prefer to teach maths rather than English. I tell them it’s because fractions speak louder than verbs.”
TV or not TV
The husband of reader Sophie Davies was slumped on the sofa the other evening, watching a Netflix show when he dosed off, thus missing the end of the TV drama.
It’s the sort of thing he’s been doing quite a lot recently, so Sophie asked if he was feeling all right.
“I’m feeling permanently zonked out,” he admitted with a sigh, adding, “What I need is a de-zonkifier. I wonder if I can buy one on Amazon?”
Culinary clueless
Another lazy – sorry, ‘exhausted’ - husband.
Lisa Turley was going out for the evening with friends, so informed her other half that he’d have to fix his own dinner. Something he isn’t used to doing.
When she returned home hubby looked aggrieved, so Lisa asked what was wrong.
“I bought an Indian microwave meal from the shops,” he grumped, “and it was horrible.”
“But you don’t like spicy food,” said Lisa. “It was called Butter Chicken,” said hubby, “so I assumed it wouldn’t be any spicier than a roll and butter.”
Class act
“I joined a Carpenters’ class the other week,” says reader Phil Martin. “We haven’t made anything yet. We’ve only just begun…”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
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