The other afternoon Andrew Davidson was shopping in one of the less salubrious corners of Glasgow city centre, and in one of the stores he spotted numerous examples of the species referred to by anthropologists as ne’er-do-wells.
“The place was full of scumbags,” Andrew explained (slightly less anthropologically) to his 83-year-old mother, later the same day.
“But I sometimes shop there,” said Andrew’s mum.
“Don’t get annoyed, I’m not saying you’re a scumbag,” Andrew assured his elderly parent.
“No,” she agreed, adding, “I’m a mumbag.”
Love, actually?
Strolling past Glasgow’s Central Station, Iain Smith overheard a middle-aged woman chatting on her mobile phone to a person who was presumably her husband.
The lady signed off from the chat by saying to the person on the other end of the blower: “Unconditionally love you.”
“I thought that was a strange thing to say,” says Iain. “After all, what if she discovered that the person she was talking to was a serial killer. Or worse still, that he thought it was perfectly acceptable to tuck a white shirt into a pair of jeans.
“Would she still be willing to offer her unconditional love, then?”
What’s in a name
The Diary is discussing that classic book (and spin-off novelisation) The Odyssey.
John Bruce says: “The story is called The Odyssey because the main character is called Odysseus.
“If the story took place in modern times, the protagonist would probably be called Jim or Dave. Does that mean the story would have to be called the Davyssey? Doesn’t have the same ring, somehow.”
Posh nosh?
A chum of Derek Thomson from Paisley has a new girlfriend, and apparently she is a very refined gal.
“You know how posh she is?,” said Derek’s proud pal. “I bet she eats toast with a knife and fork.”
Suits you, sir
In a coffee shop near Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, Margaret Munro and her husband spotted an elderly chap at a nearby table, and he was a very elegant fellow, indeed.
Black leather gloves, silk polkadot cravat, even a flower in his buttonhole.
And to top it off?
He was holding a bright purple bowler hat.
“But where do you even buy a purple bowler hat?” Margaret whispered to her husband.
“Oh, that’s easy,” replied her husband, “Purple-Bowler-Hats-R-Us, surely?”
Picture this
Outraged Dan Hannah from Newton Mearns gets in touch with the Diary to say: “I think that people who use selfie sticks need to take a long, hard look at themselves.”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
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