At the Edinburgh Festival this week many ambitious humourists have been honing their craft and dusting down their best knock-knock jokes, as they plot their spectacular rise to the pinnacle of Mount Light-entertainment.
Which inspires Stevie Campbell from Hamilton to ask: “Is there any truth in the rumour that former Scotland manager Steve Clarke is to join the stand up comedy circuit?”
(Too cruel, Stevie. Too cruel.)
Mind your language
When you go on holiday it’s often a struggle understanding what the locals are saying.
Sometimes it can even be a tricky business figuring out what a native English-speaker is trying to communicate.
Fraser Hamilton was rather confused to receive the following message from a guest who was about to settle in at the holiday accommodation where he was staying: ‘Have use got an Iron I can borrow’.
Says our fatalistic correspondent: “I suppose this is a downgrade from the now commonly accepted ‘have yous got an Iron I can borrow’.
“I look forward with apprehension to the time when it could be ‘have ewes got an Iron I can borrow’.”
Footering about
Astonished reader David Hay from Minard says: “I’ve just heard the Rangers manager say Rangers desperately need 'a left-footed defender'. How times change!”
Tools of the trade
Kevin, the seven year old son of reader Jeff Bell, is a fan of the Marvel movies, especially ones starring a certain Norse god of thunder.
The other afternoon Jeff was rummaging though his tool kit, prior to undertaking some much-needed house maintenance.
Kevin, watching Jeff, at one point said: “Dad, why does Thor just have a hammer? Shouldn’t he have a spanner and screwdriver, too?”
Life in the rat race
Horror of horrors, Muirend reader Geoff Evans spotted a rat in the communal garden next to his block of flats.
His wife screeched when he told her, but Geoff was more perplexed than terrified. Confides Geoff to the Diary: “In the current economic climate, I don’t know how a rat can afford a starter mortgage in the middle-class area where I live.”
Swing time
The Diary continues listing popular songs with a golfing theme.
Sergio Lamarra suggests ‘I Like it Rough’ by Lady Gaga.
Height of common sense
Cultured Estelle Millar asked her husband if he fancied accompanying her to the ballet.
Estelle’s husband retorted that he’d do no such thing, going on to add: “Ballet’s very silly. All those girls on tippy-toes. Why don’t they just hire taller girls?”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
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