The big news in English football is that Manchester City (a team based in the city of Manchester, funnily enough) is in deep trouble.
The club’s been found guilty of almost all of the 115 Premier League charges they were facing.
Reader Calum Spence says the once illustrious club must now squirm in agony under a suitably stringent punishment.
“Let them play in the Scottish Premiership for one entire year,” cackles Calum malevolently. “That’ll teach ‘em.”
A history lesson
Madonna, the legendary pop diva, appeared at the MTV Video Music Awards.
Lily Austin was delighted to see Madge on telly, though Lily’s daughter, Alice, also watching the show, wasn’t quite so impressed.
“Wasn’t she famous in the last millennium?” said Alice, adding, “you know, the millennium that had Robert the Bruce and the Battle of Hastings in it.”
Hard to swallow
The Diary is discussing molluscs. (Someone had to – so why not us?)
Stan Boland, in Paris on business, was invited back to a French colleague’s house for dinner, and snails were on the menu.
Stan managed to slime one down his gullet. Even more impressive, he achieved this remarkable feat without screaming in panic, smashing through the dining room window, staggering down the garden path, summersaulting the fence… never to be seen again.
“Enjoy?” asked the French colleague.
“Lovely,” shuddered Stan.
The Frenchman laughed delightedly, then said: “Of course you didn’t. Just my little ‘thank you’ for when you showed me round Glasgow last year… and made me eat an entire deep-fried pizza.”
Chez cheese
The curious seven-year-old son of reader Fiona Boswell said: “Mum, you know cottage cheese?”
Fiona readily admitted she had heard rumours of such a substance.
“Well,” continued Fiona’s son, “is all the cheese made in the same cottage - or are there loads of them?”
Ring-ing endorsement
The girlfriend of Pete Wilson inspired him to sigh with relief when she said: “Don’t worry, love. I’m not one of those girls who demands a diamond ring.”
Alas, Pete’s feelings of elation were short-lived, for his other half quickly added: “As long as it’s solid gold and has a sapphire or two, that’ll be fine with me.”
Flat fact
The Diary is fascinated by flat earthers, those rebellious folk who insist the earth is, well, flat. (They also believe pancakes are flat, a claim which is slightly less controversial.)
Steve O’Conner, an expert on the flat earth brigade, says: “The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
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