Big bruv blooper

THE Scottish education system is rightly celebrated as the world’s finest. Like a conveyor belt of wisdom, it produces intelligent youngsters who boast a commendable knowledge of maths, science and especially literature.

Proving this to be true, Ian Noble from Carstairs Village informs us that he overheard a couple of young fellows talking.

The first chap told his chum that he had recently finished reading 1984. “Tell you what,” he added, “things were really bad back then.”

Porky PM

THE Diary recently pointed out that Boris Johnson is a modern day renaissance man. Not content to dabble in ancient Greek culture, he has now allowed his genius to truly flourish by mastering the intricacies of Peppa Pig lore.

Reader Margaret Jenkins admits she was not surprised to learn that our wise leader has a predilection for all things porcine. “Boris delivers his speeches in a hammy manner,” points out Margaret. “He also makes a pig’s ear of government policy. A rasher fellow you couldn’t possibly meet.”

Paper view

THOUGHT for the day from reader Barry Hartnell, who says: “Paperclips are just staples with commitment issues.”

Bumpy badinage

SOME years ago, while visiting the isle of Islay, Peter Mackay and his wife bought a souvenir T-shirt for a rather buxom lady friend. When she donned this garment, her husband rather indecorously suggested that it looked more like the Paps of Jura.

(Men! When will they learn to behave themselves?)

St Nick nobbled

WE asked what Christmas traditions our readers would abandon. Cameron Smith suggests Santa should be fired, ie given the heave ho-ho. “He’s overweight and elderly,” notes Cameron, “which makes him one of those vulnerable folk who should practice social distancing instead of sneaking down strangers’ chimneys.”

Fruity behaviour

THE linguistic prowess of our readers is legendary, though sometimes even they become baffled and dismayed by the complexities of the English language. Luckily they often have a spouse who can rush to their aid, says John Mulholland, who provides us with this vignette of his family life…

John: I must be losing my mind.

Wife: Why’s that, darling?

John: Well, I’ve been unable to think of a word play for strawberries, and I can’t remember what the container they’re sold in is called.

Wife: Punnet, darling.

John: I’ve told you already, I can’t!

Half-baked humour

“AFTER forty years of service, the man who pipes fresh cream into the giant eclairs at our local bakery has retired,” says reader Alan Daniels. “His replacement has some big chouxs to fill.”