YOU can’t accuse the British Royal Family of failing to provide value for the money that the UK establishment lavishes on it. The Queen, celebrating her 70th year on the throne, knows this more than anyone. Her Majesty has seen off 13 British Prime Ministers, many of whom in their memoirs have acknowledged that she is a shrewd and well-informed operator whose counsel in times of crisis has often been appreciated.

The Queen knows too that in order to keep her dysfunctional family in their multi-million-pound lifestyles without attracting too much scrutiny she must perform a civic balancing act. This basically means putting herself and her sprawling family at the disposal of the UK Government when the cause of national unity requires it.

The most reliable way of maintaining the roadworthiness of the royal train, of course is to instruct all the siblings in the arts of succession. This basically means getting married early and sustaining a high level of fecundity to ensure that the nation will never run out of royal anniversaries to mark their passage through life.

Thus, Britain is rarely more than a few years away from a royal jubilee; wedding, birth or engagement. If you were to pay a few quid extra for a bag of high-quality, sustainable bunting for the queen’s Platinum Jubilee you’re virtually assured of getting value for the money you’ve spent on it over the next few years.

The occurrence of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee is more than a little providential for the UK Government. As such, the Boris Johnson administration is determined to squeeze every ounce from it in maintaining the fiction of national unity and patriotic fervour. Its only concern will be to keep an eye on Sir Keir Starmer whose supine tenure as leader of the UK Labour Party has been chiefly characterised by seeking to portray it as even more patriotic, militaristic and loyal than the Tories. No matter how deferential and obsequious the Tories’ congratulatory messages on this most auspicious of royal occasions Sir Keir, even now, will be sketching out something even more so: bigger flags; extra bunting; more eloquent declarations of undying fealty.

Michael Gove, who seems to have been landed with the job of court jester and master of jubilation, has written to all of the UK’s local authorities urging them to get with the picture and promote public events to celebrate the Queen’s 70th year as monarch. A four-day Bank Holiday weekend has been set aside, running from June 2 to June 5. The population will be encouraged to mark the occasion by getting howling with the drink for queen and country and taking full advantage of extending licensing hours across England and Wales.

In recent years the English Bank Holiday season has been marked by drink-fuelled violence and civic disorder. Now, if you want to avoid a sentence for wrecking Nottingham or Bristol city centres the defence of Drunk by Royal Decree is now available. “My client, a passionate admirer of the Queen, was a little over-zealous in declaring his affection and got carried away when registering his displeasure at his victim’s failure to stand for the national anthem.” Mr Gove, you see, wants to provide opportunities “for communities to come together in celebration" of the occasion.

As each week passes the announcement of Boris Johnson’s lockdown inquiry retreats further into the distance. That inquiry itself provided a smokescreen for the far more iniquitous conduct of the UK Government during the pandemic: the establishment of a mafia enterprise to exploit Covid-19 for the personal enrichment of family and party donors. This handed multi-million PPE contracts to bogus firms, thus risking the health of frontline NHS workers by handing them sub-standard equipment. The outbreak of war in Ukraine followed so closely by the extended, nationwide beer festival to celebrate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee ought to be sufficient to spare Boris Johnson’s premiership.

This royal bank holiday will come barely two months into the massive increases in energy bills that millions of UK households will face from April 1 when the gas price cap is lifted. Many of them are already reeling from increased petrol and diesel costs, partly owing to the Ukrainian crisis and partly to the exploitation of some local petrol stations who have used the war as a means of making the lives of their local customer base even more challenging.

The UK Labour Party under Sir Keir Starmer and Anas Sarwar are unlikely to question the morality of launching months of festivities in these straitened times for a fellow multi-millionaire and her indolent and grasping family. Instead, they will strive to be more oleaginous than the Tories. This, surely, is an opportunity for the SNP – the third largest group at Westminster – to earn their wages.

The party can show its mettle by saying what really needs to be said about the morality of spending millions in public money throwing a party for the UK’s largest private landowner, fine art collector and property tycoon. They’d be backed up by data that shows already that the majority of local Scottish councils have not been bothered by requests from the public for permission to host street parties for the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.

“Dear Your Highness,

We wish to extend to you the best wishes of the Scottish people in attaining your 70th year as the Queen. Perhaps, to mark the occasion we might invite you to put a couple of your six publicly-funded royal residences at the disposal of the Government for the purpose of providing accommodation to those fleeing war in Ukraine and other refugees from other assorted global conflicts.

And might we also suggest selling off a few of the Rembrandts and some Penny Blacks from your famed art and stamp collections to raise funds for communities suffering from the adverse economic effects of the pandemic. As head of the Church of England, you don’t need us to remind you that in biblical tradition a year of Jubilee was marked by acts of redemption and alms-giving by the rich and powerful in favour of the poor.

Just saying, like.

Yours in Jubilation,

The SNP."

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