CALM down, readers, it’s only Prime Minister’s Questions. Oh, you are calm?

Well, that’s more than could be said for the PM and the Leader of the Opposition, at least in the eyes of the Commons Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, who twice had to get our two adversaries to “calm down”, much like the moustachioed Scousers in the Harry Enfield sketches.

Indeed, the House was far from calm, with one Tory MP roaring a particularly demented welcome on Boris Johnson’s entrance. After the hullabaloo had died down, Labour leader Keir Starmer said he couldn’t make out if it had been “cheers or boos” from the Tory back benches.

It was certainly a boo from Labour’s Dame Angela Eagle, who landed this low blow: “This week’s events demonstrated just how loathed this Prime Minister is.”

Characteristically, Boris thanked Dame A for her temperate remarks, pointing out that, “in a long political career so far – barely begun”, he had picked up political opponents “all over”. Yep. All over the Conservative Party.

At this point, we were looking forward to Boris getting a good roasting about his party’s disarray, but disgracefully Sir Keir put the NHS first. It was an English matter really, though I don’t know if things are much better up here.

Boris had promised 6,000 new GPs, said Sir K, but his Health Secretary had confessed he couldn’t keep that promise. Well, who wants to be a GP? What would you do with all that money?

Mr Johnson trotted out his usual line that you need a strong economy to fund the NHS which, at least in terms of linear time, is literally saying: profit before service. The former has to come first. And, say his socialist critics, last. And everything.

The House heard that, during the health crisis, there’d been a rise in “diagnostic hubs”. I think you can get a cream for that. Meanwhile, Sir Keir was told by Boris that his line of criticism was positively “satirical”, with the PM adding of Labour: “They don’t have a leg to stand on.” Well, have you seen the queue for prosthetics?

It was at this point that Sir Lindsay intervened: “Can I just say to both of you, you need to calm down.” Then, looking at the Tory ultras section to his right, he added: “There’s two over here as well. The four of you can have a nice cup of tea if you wish.”

Keir protested of Boris: “He chunters on.”

Well spotted, Sherlock. He added: “He changes the rules and lowers the bar.” Thirsty Tory MPs: “Bar? Where?”

At the conclusion of such badinage Sir Oliver Heald (Con) rose to announce: “Changing the subject completely, in North-East Hertfordshire we are very concerned about sewage overflows.”

Though it might be something of a waste, it would be politic of me not to make a cheap link between such effluvia and Ian Blackford’s pungent sermons.

“Week after week,” quoth the SNP’s Westminster leader, “I have called on the Prime Minister to resign.”

Tell us about it.

“I have been met with a wall of noise from the Tory benches. I thought they were trying to shout me down” – dutifully, they now gave it a good go – “when all this time it turns out that 41 per cent of them have been cheering me on.”

I think you’ve entered into a world of fantasy there, mate.

Ian accused Boris of “presiding over a divided party in a disunited kingdom”, prompting the PM to “thank the right honourable gentleman for his characteristically warm words”.

Worse still, he averred that Mr B. was actually the Union’s biggest friend, adding: “He is the Araldite that is keeping our kingdom together.”

That didn’t leave Ian stuck for words, as he retorted: “The Prime Minister is acting like Monty Python’s Black Knight, running around declaring it’s just a flesh wound.” Educated readers will remember that, at that point, the Black Knight had lost both his arms.

Talking of two, Richard Thomson (SNP) said that was how many of Scotland’s 59 MPs had backed Boris – “as much support as there are pandas in Edinburgh Zoo”. That’s Mr Thomson for you: a man who only ever sees things in black and white.

Richard then startled the House by claiming: “The Prime Minister is an intelligent man.” Surprisingly, Sir Lindsay didn’t ask him to calm down and go for a cup of tea. It sounded like something stronger was in order. Number Ten’s always got plenty but, even after the compliment, no invitation was forthcoming from Boris.