A MEMO TO ALL UNIONISTS: Like all the other right-thinking people on the planet, we were horrified by Nicola Sturgeon’s new plans to deliver her Scottish independence neverendum. Let’s look on the bright side though: at least it gives us the chance to get the Project Fear band back together again. And so, we’re proposing to establish a fresh steering-group at a meeting to be held in a secret location next week. Check the crossword clues in tomorrow’s Daily Mail (five down and three across).

As you’ll recall, our success in the first referendum was built on scaring the living daylights out of the citizenry with a series of apocalyptic predictions about what the future would hold in an independent Scotland. Unfortunately, the Brexit that none of us saw coming rendered all of these somewhat jejune and obsolete.

But let’s not be downhearted. Like Groucho Marx’s principles, we have plenty of others. And besides, the main newspapers are all still on board … and I’m assured by Tory Central Office that the BBC has agreed once more to send in its grown-up analysts from London if things start to get a bit sticky near the end.

In consultation with Gordon Brown, Douglas Ross and Anas Sarwar, we’ve already taken the liberty of drawing up a list of claims and pledges for what will be a bitter campaign ahead. We propose a number of discussion papers on the following topics:

The Aliens are Coming:

As you’ll know, a series of unexplained radio signals have been detected from Proxima Centauri, the star which sits closest to the sun. This heavenly chap seems to have been sending communications for quite a while now. The official line from NASA is that they’ve yet to decipher the messages, but get this. We have a plant at the space agency who says they’ve already begun to decode some of them.

And, as The Carpenters predicted in 1976, the aliens really have been observing our earth. Seems the blighters want to exploit the global chaos that would ensue after a Yes vote and land at Edinburgh Castle. I think this will make a great splash in the Daily Express once we get a confirmation e-mail.

Volodymyr Zelensky:

The Ukrainian President has become one of Britain’s most important allies after receiving around £2bn from Boris. Vlod’s a decent chap and we’ve told him that the Kremlin is poised to forge an alliance with an independent Scotland, owing to all the Russian sympathisers operating at the heart of our civic life. The President has agreed to supply us with a video in which he’ll warn Scotland about the dangers of Russian-backed independence.

Deporting Scots:

Following the cynical and, quite frankly, sinister attempts last month by the European Court of Human Rights to interfere in the UK’s enlightened and progressive plan to divert illegal immigrants and asylum-seekers to Rwanda it’s the stated aim to remove the ECHR from our jurisdiction.

In the event of a Yes vote, the UK will treat Scotland as an enemy of the UK state and seek to deport Scots who have no good reason to be in England.

Basically, we’ll warn Yes voters that their relatives living in England all face a hostile environment. Sturgeon is always banging on about how Scotland needs immigrants. So I’m sure she won’t mind the sudden repatriation of 800,000 of her countrymen. If she wants to play hardball, hardball is what she’ll get.

Love Island and Ru Paul:

There can be little doubt that 15 years of SNP rule has made Scotland a sexually promiscuous country with a predilection for drag artistry. Well, if that’s the way they want to play it then fair enough. But they’ll be laughing on the other side of their painted faces when they discover that the UK is planning to impose a £50 levy on the UK’s favourite television shows for viewers in Scotland. I’m afraid them’s the breaks though, if they want to secede from the most entertaining Union on the planet.

The Pope Says No:

Everyone knows that Pope Francis, like many of his successors, is mad for the Celtic. But what if we were to tell him, via our well-placed Vatican sleepers, that UEFA is considering imposing a three-year moratorium on European competition for the champions of newly-independent states?

Our well-placed sources in Switzerland report that UEFA wants to crack down on the money-laundering activities which always feed on the instability of secessionist states. We can’t prove this but The Pope might buy it and urge his fellow Celtic fans to vote No. One of our chaps is a digital editor on L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican propaganda sheet. And once they run with it the UK press would follow it up. Game over.

Vaccine Alert:

Look, we all know that Covid-20 is just around the corner and that there’ll be new lockdowns after October 19, 2023, which regrettably coincides with the proposed independence referendum. If Scotland becomes independent I’m not sure that Boris will be in a mood to share England’s world-leading vaccine expertise with a country which wants to destroy the United Kingdom.


Our scientific advisers have informed us that when Covid-20 hits it will most probably originate in an independent Scotland. Independence will lead to lots of public drunkenness and unfettered acts of al fresco concupiscence. This, combined with a rogue enzyme found in Scottish lochs and a wrinkle in the Scottish DNA (which explains all the red hair) could lead to an even more deadly strain of the virus. Scottish independence could actually be fatal.

No-one wants to see this nasty and divisive referendum. But let’s remember to keep it all civic and decent in the best British traditions.

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