TO Westminster, where a raft of frontbench resignations have greeted Stephen Flynn, the new leader of the SNP’s Westminster Group. My esteemed colleagues in the lobby have now taken to describing the party’s London branch as being in a state of turmoil.

I wouldn’t be too sure, though. In two of these cases, few people will know there’s been any change at all.

And besides, the vacancies will provide others who feel their talents have been overlooked to step up.

And so, in the spirit of the season, I’m happy to provide a job spec for all interested candidates.

It should be first of all acknowledged that preference will be given to those who have successfully avoided using the “inde*****nce” word much during their tenure.

Looking smart and sitting up straight for the cameras and being diligent and speedy in filling out those all-important expenses forms will also be important.

Nevertheless, you’ll be expected to be “creative” in your enthusiasm for inde*****nce by frequent use of harmless locutions such as “the people of Scotland didn’t vote for this” and “respect the will of the Scottish people”.

The trick is not to overdo it, though, lest you draw unnecessary attention to this concept.

You will be encouraged, however, to demonstrate a keen interest in the constitutional rights of other countries.

An attractive pension package and a robust suite of unique perks will be available to the successful candidates. These will include a pair of slippers (pre-loved); a smoking jacket; a copy of the Racing Post; and the Time Out guide to London.

We’ve also arranged frequent-user discounts to the top restaurants in the SW1A area, too, so that you get more bang for your constituents’ buck.

Hard to bear

ALL joking aside, ha-ha – at least Scotland’s Westminster contingent was not party to one of the tawdriest episodes in the devolved era. I refer to the lease from China of two otherwise blameless giant pandas: Yang Guang and Tian Tian. This began in December 2011 as part of an original 10-year arrangement, costing £1 million annually. This time last year, that arrangement was extended until 2023.

Since then, these two marvellous creatures have been subject to all manner of intrusive procedures to impregnate Tian Tian, simply for the inane pleasure of Scotland’s doltish classes who seem to derive some entertainment value from observing such exploitation.

Quite why any human being can enjoy the spectacle of two large creatures, normally accustomed to the wild open spaces of China’s bamboo forests, padding about in their glass cage is beyond me.

As each attempt to impregnate Tian Tian has failed, so the public’s interest in these two beautiful animals has begun to evaporate.

Public interest

JOHN ROBINS, head of Animal Concern which advocates for God’s gentler creatures, reminds me that Edinburgh Zoo was in receipt of £2m from the Scottish Government to rehome the pandas in another part of its facility. This was to make way for the private development of a former NHS hospital site adjacent to the panda cage.

The zoo management felt this wasn’t enough and so asked for another £500k. The Scottish Government subsequently loaned them this sum.

Robins told me this week: “I put in an FOI request to see how they were getting on with the loan repayments. I’m happy to report that the repayments are being made and that they include a whole £2,500 in interest.

“This doesn’t seem like a very good return on what is after all money which should have been used to help buy materials for our hard-pressed NHS.”

By my calculation, the Scottish Government is applying an interest rate of 1.25% for the £200k thus far repaid.

Isn’t it great to see the Government acting as a lender of last resort and using such gentle interest rates?

All queries from other entrepreneurs and developers seeking to take advantage of our Government’s largesse should contact: The Scottish Government, Loans and Mortgages Department, St Andrew’s House, 2 Regent Road, Edinburgh EH1 3DG.

If you fail to receive a reply, feel free to pass them on to me, your humble servant, and I’ll see what I can do when I’m next through there.

You’re welcome.

Festive frustration

ALMOST as obscene as the ritual humiliation of these two giant pandas is the unregulated, hardcore consumer porn that dominates our television viewing at this time of the year.

Hundreds of thousands of UK families are being forced into making real-life choices of heating their homes or feeding themselves. In many households there will be no Christmas gifts.

The response of the independent television companies and the UK’s richest retail giants to this is to troll them. They do this by creating unreal pictures of domestic middle-class bliss, featuring wooden tables groaning with enough food to feed an army.

It’s nothing other than the marketing of greed and excess.