Knickers to that

PERTHSHIRE novelist Helen Grant was travelling to the south of England, and found herself ensconced in a motel, so decided to make tea.

“But am haunted by the urban legend of someone who used a motel kettle to boil their knickers in,” confesses Helen, who adds philosophically, “I mean, it's cheaper than running the washing machine, but it would put you off your Earl Grey.”

Off colour behaviour

WE mentioned that a Just Stop Oil protestor managed to halt the dynamic action at the Snooker World Championships in Sheffield.

So instead of mooching about with sticks, glaring at garishly coloured balls, the players were forced to mooch about with sticks, glaring at a garishly paint-doused snooker table instead.

Reader Don Brignell identified a certain amount of irony in the situation, and says: “The protestors are meant to be campaigning for a greener planet, yet they managed to erase one of the only genuine bits of green in Sheffield – the baize on a snooker table.”

Sinister silence

AGAINST all sound advice, we continue attempting to improve classic movies by adding the word library to their titles Frustrated reader Gordon McRae says: “I was going to suggest The Body in the Library, but Agatha Christie beat me to it.”

Luckily Gordon has a back-up suggestion. A horror tale about a bloodthirsty librarian who will stoop to any diabolical act to ensure she has a quiet workplace.

The film would be called… The Silence of the Library.

Streets ahead

THE Glasgow shopping experience is fraught with danger, for you may be confronted by a retail assistant who insists on sharing their insights.

Gordon Edwards was in a city centre shoe shop when the chap helping him try on footwear shook his head, then said: “We’ll need a whole cow’s worth of leather for feet like yours – they’re longer than Sauchiehall Street.”

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Banana slip up

A HUMILIATING confession from reader Tessa Johnston, who gets in touch to admit: “I genuinely thought banana republic was a country until I was about 18 years old.”

Minty moaner

CHATTING to a chum the other day, reader Melissa Heartfield was complaining that she was rather miffed with her husband for scoffing an entire box of Tic Tacs without offering her even one measly mint.

Helen’s chum immediately fired back: “Really? That was a bit tic-tactless of him.”

High times

AMBITIOUS reader Martin Wayne informed his wife he was building a model of Mount Everest.

"Is it to scale?" she asked.

“No,” replied Martin. “It's to look at."