Why Sir Keir Starmer is breaking English rule

THE Diary recently critiqued Sir Keir Starmer’s performance as Labour leader, concluding he comes up short by not coming
up short.

In other words, his speeches are about as pithy as a Tolstoy novel. Though, alas, without
the amorous antics of Anna Karenina to keep the listener engaged.

Adding to Sir Keir’s difficulties, Gordon Fisher, from Stewarton, informs us he can never vote Labour again.

Our reader explains: “I spent the best part of 30 years as a teacher of English, drumming into young heads the rule
‘i before e, except after c’, and along comes this man – Keir – breaking the rules! How can we trust such a rebel with education?”

Root cause

STARMER certainly has his failings. But at least the Leader of the Opposition in Westminster is a serious politician, providing worried citizens with the answers they need during a period of health concerns, fuel shortages and economic uncertainty.

His latest wise pronouncement is that the next James Bond should be female.

David Donaldson is not impressed. Our reader says: “How come there isn’t a clamour for Harrison Ford to step down and let a woman take the lead in the next big blockbuster… Indiana Jane And The Roots Of Darkness.”

Number blunder?

COMEDIAN Simon Evans spotted that the Glasgow Hilton has named its meeting rooms after Scottish rivers. “Can’t help feeling they’ve missed a trick, though,” he says, noting that ‘Forth’ is the name of Room… 5.

Hairy hopper

SCIENTISTS claim they will soon be able to bring the woolly mammoth back from extinction. The Diary is now pondering what use humanity can make of the fuzzy critters.

Joe Williams says: “The worsening fuel crises means that soon nobody will be able to drive. Perhaps people can instead ride to work on woolly mammoths.”

Our reader is not naive, and realises there will be drawbacks.

“Mammoths were lumbering beasts,” he concedes. “So to make sure they travel as fast as your average car, they could be provided with a bicycle, a pogo stick or a Space Hopper, depending on each animal’s preference.”

Chris Crimbo crises

ON the same subject, reader Jennifer Harvey says: “Thanks to the fuel crisis in some areas, Chris Rea has just set off to walk home for Christmas.”

Motown motor

THE Diary is devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Reader John Robertson says: “A good name for a campervan would be Martha and the Van Dwellers.”

Dictionary corner

“I’VE just invented a new word,” says proud reader Anthony Murray. “Plagiarism.”