HOUSES royal and common featured during the latest Prime Minister’s Questions doon at yonder Hoose o’ Commons.

Housing is devolved, so this might have been another case of “Nothing to see here, Scotland”. But much of the argy-bargy was about mortgages, the yoke under which many households suffer across the merry Kingdom of Britonia.

First, though, Rishi Sunak, a Prime Minister, waxed lyrical about the forthcoming coronation of King Wotsname, averring “this will be a moment of extraordinary national pride, a demonstration of our country’s character”.

Wot, deranged?

Labour opposition leader Keir Starmer slavered similarly: “Across the House we are all looking forward to the celebrations this weekend.” I see.

READ MORE: Second home owners are part of the solution to rural housing crisis

What nobody saw coming was Sir Keir returning to this right royal genuflection later, using one of his allotted questions to deliver a peculiar paean to the late Queen Elizabeth.

First, though, the Labour leader began with another traditional Conservative trope: home ownership. How much did Mr Sunak know about the subject? For example, how many folk were paying higher mortgage rates “since the Tories crashed the economy last autumn”?

Rishi ululated a few words, but Sir K said none answered the question, which he did himself: 850,000.

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Next, Mr Starmer wanted to know how many more peeps would be paying higher rates this year. The PM said he was “crystal clear” about something, before obfuscating with guff about the economy improving and record consumer confidence. He should have added: “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

“The question,” said Sir Keir, “was how many more people this year are going to be paying more on their mortgage?” Answer: 930,000. So, in total, nearly two million home owners would be “counting the cost of this economic vandalism”.

The Labour leader had another question. Did the PM know how long it would take the average first-time buyer to save for an average deposit of £9,000?

Rishi said last year had seen a record number of first-time buyers, twice as much than under Labour. Brief recap of PMQs so far. Opposition: “You’re rubbish.” Government: “You were even more rubbish.”

Sir Keir summarised proceedings thus: “Every week, whatever the topic, he stands there and pretends everything is fine with the country.” It isn’t? Who knew?

The Labour leader laughed maniacally: “Ha-ha!” And also: “Ha!” He was emulating the Tory benches. “They think it’s funny,” he said. They laughed anew.

Again, Keir answered his own question: it would take the average first-time buyer four years to pay a deposit that was “roughly the annual bill to fill his [Rishi’s] swimming pool”.

Sir K added: “Why doesn’t he stop making excuses, stop blaming everyone else, and just build some houses instead?”

Rishi (if only): “Oh, I never thought of that.” Instead he said that, last time Labour were in power, they left the country broke.

Keir said Rishi was “going to need a bigger nose”. At least that’s what many folk thought he said. Turns out it was “note”, as in outgoing Labour’s famous “no money left” message back in the day. Not a reference to Pinocchio’s beak expanding with every porkie.

Still, the Labour leader did get onto fairy tales when, in a bewildering change of pace, he suddenly started effervescing about the Coronation again.

Conjuring a scene of happy peasants exulting at street parties, he gushed: “The world will see our country at its best, celebrating a new chapter in our history. But it will also be a reminder of the loss of the late Queen, Elizabeth … So will the Prime Minister join me in honouring our late Queen and wishing our new King a long and happy reign?”

Rishi: “Naw.”

If only. Instead, Rishi agreed curtly before advising folk to vote Conservative “for fewer potholes”, leaving Keir impotently clutching his orbs and sceptre. What an odd passage of proceedings.

Interestingly, or indeed otherwise, Stephen Flynn, the SNP’s Westminster leader, ignored the royal hootenanny, instead taking us back to 2010 when then Tory PM David Cameron persuaded Lib Dem coalition partner Nick Clegg to drop his policy of no tuition fees.

“Does the Prime Minister intend to take the credit for convincing the leader of the Labour Party to do likewise?” asked Stephen, referring to Keir’s latest u-turn.

This barb had the Tory benches in stitches. Not unnaturally, Rishi thanked the SNP man for his question, before averring that young persons from disadvantaged backgrounds were “far more likely” to go to university in England than in Scotland. How awful. What responsible parent would send their offspring to university these days? Proper nuthouses. And there we end proceedings at the Nuthouse of Commons.