The stupid economy and, for historians, Brexit, both featured in the latest edition of Prime Minister’s Questions, as did “socialist landmines” cunningly placed by … Boris Johnson. Allegedly. Pour yourself a small vat of whisky and sit back as we reveal all.

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer started proceedings predictably enough, asking why – at a time when folk worried about bills, the weekly shop, and spiralling mortgage rates – the Tories were arguing over “which of them gets a peerage”.

Peering through thick specs, Rishi Sunak, a Prime Minister, said he’d done nothing wrong. Indeed, he’d done nothing at all, in line with the time-hallowed convention of new PMs not fiddling with outgoing PMs’ honours lists.

Ah-ha, said Sir Keir (nearly), so those who’d partied at Downing Street “the night before the late Queen sat alone at her husband’s funeral” – he loved his Queen did Starmie – “will now receive awards from the King”. Bit rich, right enough. The King, I mean.

Rishi retorted with a good one, averring that, even when Labour had put forward the likes of sordid conspiracy theorist Tom Watson, the same precedent had been followed. “I’d expect a knight like him to understand that.”

But Knight errand Keir had a message for Mr Sunak: “Honours should be for public service not Tory cronies.” Hmm, radical. He spoke rudely of “Johnson’s list” (how quickly the “right honourable gentleman” malarky goes oot the windae) which saw those covering up “Johnson’s law-breaking” – standing near a cake, M’lord – rewarded by becoming “law-makers for the rest of their lives”. Fair point, if a bit lawyerly, or rubbish.

Astutely changing the subject to nutcases in Russia, Rishi said Labour’s oil and gas policy would compromise British energy security at a time of international conflict. One of Keir’s predecessors – Broon – had wanted “British jobs for British workers”. Labour’s policy now was “British jobs for Russian workers”.

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Would SNP Westminster leader Stephen Flynn prefer “Scottish jobs for Scottish workers”? Perhaps. At any rate, he focused instead on quoting then-leadership hopeful Rishi, from last year’s Tory leadership contest, on the perils of mortgage rate rises: “It’s going to tip millions of people into misery, and it's going to mean we have absolutely no chance of winning the next election.”

Did the PM still agree with his own electoral analysis?

Of course not. Such a lot of tosh. The PM said mortgage rates had risen everywhere, including “Amerikker” (translation for Scottish readers: America). The SNP, meanwhile, had other priorities, such as sending Nicola Sturgeon flowers. Asked Rishi of Stevie: “Did he sign the card?”

“Grow up,” advised Stephen, adding: “There is an elephant in this here chamber.” That would explain the mess. And what was this pachyderm? “Brexit.” Oh, yawn. Scottish households were being “shafted” by it.

I’m surprised and appalled members get to use this word. Not Brexit. Shafted. According to my Lidl Englander Dictionary, a shaft is a man’s penis or a vertical hole to a mine. Given there are no mines left, we must assume Stephen is using the former definition. The verb, it says here, is a vulgar expression for sex. Disgraceful. 

Meanwhile, the PM noted derisively that Humza Yousaf had called Nicola Sturgeon the most impressive politician in Europe. To be fair, I think the First Minister meant the most impressive arrested politician in Europe.

Neale Hanvey (Alba) was unimpressed with Sir Keir’s recent visit to his Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath constituency, where he failed to mention his plan “to continue London’s plunder of Scotland’s vast energy wealth, just like the Tories,” the “economic vandalism of Brexit”, just like etc, and the denial of Scotland’s right to self-determination, just etc.

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He wanted to know who was “the greatest threat to Scottish democracy: the Tory to my right or the Tory to my left.”

Rishi replied eloquently: “I’m not, er, I’m not, I, er, but, er, I apologise for I did not hear fully the honourable gentleman’s question.” Good answer.

The Conservatives, meanwhile, were still asking questions about their worst enemy … Boris Johnson.

Philip Davies said one of the “socialist landmines” Boris had left was to ban “buy one get one free” offers on products deemed unhealthy by the Department of Health. “At the best of times, that is an idiotic triumph of the nanny state but, during a cost of living crisis, it is utterly bonkers.”

Rishi might have been forgiven for deploying the old hard-of-hearing ruse again, but said instead of the bold Philip: “I will continue to take what he says very seriously.” But he won’t.