'I shot the family dog' - Trump's parade of grotesques for Vice Pres

“He deserves it,’’ Trump reportedly responded when told of the danger his Presidential deputy found himself in that day. The 45th President would rather eat an endive salad than apologise so, naturally, his attitude towards his former vice-president (and former loyal friend) has only hardened in the years since. Traitor, loser, coward, liar, delusional - pick an insult, Trump has thrown it in Pence’s direction, like so much rotten fruit.

Pence’s reaction has been typical of the man, which is to say weak-chinned and pathetic. “I cannot in good conscience endorse Donald Trump (for president) this time round,’’ he said recently, though he then refused to say if he would vote for him or not in November. (Spoiler: he will.)

In such humiliating circumstances, it is hard to believe Pence was once a serious political figure, the Governor of Indiana and titular head of the Republican Party’s powerful evangelical wing, someone who had legitimate ambitions to become President.

These days he couldn’t get elected as a dog-catcher in any town in any of 50 states. His mortal enemy Donald Trump, who will never forgive him for his perceived “dis-loyalty” in following his constitutional duty and signing off on Biden’s 2020 election victory, would make sure of that.

All of this is by way of a set-up for the punchline that was delivered at Mar-a-Lago this past week, when a long line of the Republican politicians appeared on stage with Trump as part of their audition to follow in the footsteps of Pence, to have what he once had, for better or, more probably, worse.

All of the betting favourite showed up - Senator Tim Scott (fav, 3-1), Senator JD Vance (10-1), Senator Marco Rubio (10-1), Governor Kristi Noem (15-1) . It was a private event, closed to the press, but the spin merchants on both sides of the American divide were happy to paint the picture. Trump’s allies described it as The Apprentice 2024. His critics evoked the bar scene from Star Wars crossed with one of those gruesome beauty pageants that Trump used to own.

Marco Rubio is in the running (Image: free)

“All of those people are good,’’ the former President said. “They’re all great, all very solid people.” Every Presidential candidate would say exactly the same but as is usually the case with Trump his commentary doesn’t exactly stand up to much scrutiny at all.

Kristi Noem, for one, has looked far from solid this past week as she tried to promote her disastrous new book, No Going Back, in which she lied about meeting the North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un and described in explicit detail the day she gunned down a disobedient family dog in a gravel pit.

“I’m tired of politicians in this country pretending to be something they’re not,’’ she said in her own defence. Not even the dependably sycophantic Fox News was swallowing that serving of tripe, with a succession of hosts mocking her and her book. Humiliated, the South Dakota governor cancelled all remaining media appearances and went home.

Mr Trump had described the South Dakota governor in the past as "someone that I love” but he has also been reported as saying he was “looking for my own Carey Grant” as a VP, someone exuding charisma and confidence. Alas for Noem the presentational gulf between self-owned dog killer and debonair hero of Hollywood’s golden era is too wide to bridge, even in these credulity-bending times.

Her demise leaves three US senators at the head of the pack. Tim Scott, the black Republican senator from South Carolina, is for the moment believed to be the preferred choice, followed by Marco Rubio of Florida and JD Vance of Ohio.

Rick Scott, the second senator from Florida, showed up at the courthouse in New York this week to support Trump at his hush money trial, stepping up to microphone to claim the former President was the victim of political persecution. “I, too, found myself in the same position of being pursued by my political opponents,’’ he said - a reference to a court case 15 years ago which saw a company at which he was the CEO plead guilty in the biggest case of healthcare fraud in American history and fined $1.7 billion.

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Trump will have appreciated both the loyalty and the flexibility when it comes to the pesky facts but Rick Scott is more Peter Grant than Cary Grant - a functional, combative figure in the muddier midfield areas of American politics but definitely lacking in star quality.

His fellow Floridan Rubio is much more impressive in the media space and - an absolute necessity for anyone seeking the position - has spoken in support of Trump’s claims of Presidential immunity against his current criminal morass. He has also deflected when asked if he would vote to confirm any election result in November that had Joe Biden as the winner, another essential for any applicant. As for running on the ticket with Trump? “It would be an honor.”

Rubio’s problem is that he was once a fierce critic of the man he now seeks to partner, describing Trump during the 2016 GOP primary race as a con artist who had hijacked the good name of the Republican Party.

“He runs on this idea he is fighting for the little guy, but he has spent his entire career sticking it to the little guy, ” he declared in what was at the time a cathartic withdrawal speech. Apparently, to quote Richard Nixon’s press spokesman at the time of Watergate, “Those statements are no longer operative.”

For all his infantile flaws, Trump has an adult understanding of such political mud-slinging - it’s only words. Yet, after his experience with Pence, he has framed his choice of VP this year in terms of absolute loyalty and trust. Rubio is apparently onside now but will his current expressions of support and honor always remain operative?

The Florida senator is a creature of what was formerly the mainstream of American Conservatism, in other words everything Trump despises. There will surely be suspicions that he might one day give in to his political instincts at the most inconvenient time in a future administration.

JD Vance is author of the critically acclaimed book Hillbilly Elegy (Image: free)

That leaves JD Vance, author of the critically acclaimed book Hillbilly Elegy, which told the story of his own displaced family in Appalachia , and close personal friend of Don Trump Jnr. and Scott. Of the two, the senator from South Carolina is by miles the more substantial figure. His own well-funded campaign for the GOP nomination flopped because his heart wasn’t in it but he has deft political instincts and messaging skills. He grew up in poverty and worked in insurance before taking up politics, an inspiring personal story that many voters will relate to. He is also black - which might help Trump in his drive to pull a greater share of the African-American vote to compensate for the inevitable loss of suburban women over the abortion issue.

But more than any of these things, Scott has shown an obsequiousness towards Trump that can surely be viewed from outer space. “I just love you,’’ Scott famously told the former President in the aftermath of the New Hampshire primary earlier this year. Scott’s many friends in Republican politics have been appalled by such outbursts. Heavens, even Trump himself cringed. But he’s recovered his balance since that spine-curling moment. “Tim is the greatest surrogate I’ve ever seen. A high-quality person who doesn’t like talking about himself.”

This inference is clear. If Vice President Scott doesn’t like to talk about himself, the only person he will be talking about is the guy down the corridor in the Oval Office. In the world of Donald Trump, there is no greater recommendation than that.