Giant error

STILL Game star Jane McCarry has started rehearsals for her stint as Queen Grizelda in Jack and the Beanstalk at Greenock’s Beacon Arts Centre. And she was very proud of herself for downloading her panto schedule, though quickly became bamboozled because the show included a beast, but no giant. The reason for this confusion soon became apparent. “The only cow in our panto is me,” groans Jane. “A daft, lazy one. I marked-up the panto schedule from three years ago.”


AS it’s Black Friday this week Paul Boyle has offered us a bargain-priced shopping gag. (No refunds accepted. Batteries not included.) A man is mooching along Argyle Street, on the hunt for new shoes. At last he spots the pair he’s after. He tells the assistant to fling them in a box, no need to try them on. Once home our chap’s dismayed to discover that, although the shoes are the same style, one has laces while the other is a slip-on. He scrutinises the box for clues to this strange state of affairs. Eventually his eyes alight on a single word explaining all… Taiwan.

Ure the best

FOR some folks Christmas is a time of booze, bonhomie and loafing about on your bahookie. However, 35 years ago this week musician Midge Ure had no time to relax. He was working hard to ensure the charity single Do They Know It’s Christmas?, which he co-wrote with Bob Geldof, would be a hit. “I’d just cleared the studio of all the artists, started mixing the track and had eight hours left to finish the A side and assemble the B side, then get it to the pressing plant, or the vinyl wouldn’t be ready to send to the retailers in time,” Midge explains. The Diary is curious to know what Sir Bob was up to during this frenetic activity. Possibly phoning Buck Palace to arrange that sword-tap on his shoulder.

Short shrift

WATCHING boxing on the telly, reader Lesley Wilson’s husband Iain noticed the name on the shorts of one of the fighters and remarked: “That’s some name for a boxer, Rip Bobby.” Lesley had to explain to hubby that the boxer in question presumably had a deceased chum or relative he was rather fond of named Robert. Or Bobby, for short.

Do-nutty cutlery

COMEDIAN Fern Brady is struggling to come to terms with one of Scotland’s most prominent enclaves of swank. “Never understood Glaswegians complaining about the West End till today, when I was handed a knife and fork with my donut,” she harrumphs.

Let’s be blunt

WE conclude by offering a little bit of existential despair. “What’s the difference between life and a pencil?” asks Tony Arnold, before answering his own question with a resigned slump of the shoulders: “A pencil has a point.”

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