Apples and apoplexy

BOXING fans will be rubbing their hands in anticipation of this evening’s heavyweight punchathon between Anthony Joshua (big chap with big muscles) and Andy Ruiz Jnr (big chap with big belly). The Diary, however, is not a fan of professional fisticuffs. We believe that when a conflict arises, the boxing ring isn’t the place to settle the dispute. It is much more statesmanlike to contact the Diary and explain the situation. Then we can publish a humorous piece about the matter. Today we look back at some of the conflicts we’ve resolved in the past. Actually, on further consideration we didn’t resolve anything. However, we were mightily entertained by these tales that include the shipyard worker who was a victim of a practical joke. He vowed: “I’ll get youse for that. As sure as God made toffee apples, I’ll get youse.”

Of mice and (wo)men

THEN there was the woman who, tired of being taken for granted by her family, yelled: “I’m fed up being treated like a dormouse!”

Flaming kids

FROM the town of Liverpool we heard this tale of a conflict between a bloke with a car and a pair of raggedy urchins, well versed in the art of marketing their skills. “Watch your car for you, mister?” said Raggedy Urchin Number One. The driver was reluctant to fork out the £1 the youths were charging for their industry, so he pointed to a Rottweiler in the back of his car and explained that the faithful mutt could take care of all his car-watching needs. “Oh, look,” said Raggedy Urchin Number Two to his comrade. “This guy’s got a Rottweiler that can put out fires.”

Toothy trouble

A VIGNETTE in a Glasgow street, where an elderly couple were obviously having a disagreement. She, walking a few yards in front of him, turned around abruptly and said: “Just you stop right there!” Her man duly did so. She wagged a finger in his face and asked: “When did I ever shift your teeth?” A glance at the man revealed the gummy visage of one who was sans dentures, the whereabouts of the aforementioned tap set obviously being the reason for the marital warfare.

Spoiler alert

A MORE recent story, published in this year’s Herald Diary Book by Ken Smith. (Buy it now, before shops sell out. Otherwise you’ll be forced to break into a pal’s house, in the dead of night, to read their copy.) Ken tells us of a reader who was flying back from Australia, and heard the passenger in front complain when the seat-back televisions were switched off just before landing. “My movie wasn’t finished,” he announced. “I’m sorry, sir,” said the Australian attendant, “but we need to switch it off during our descent.” “But I don’t know how it ends,” the passenger continued to wail. “They all lived happily ever after,” announced the attendant as she carried on up the aisle.

Punchline time

WE conclude with one of our favourite boxing gags. Says a wife to her husband, who has just returned from the pub: “There was a good film on TV while you were out. That boxing one, with Sylvester wozisname.”

“Stallone?” said hubby.

“No,” she replied. “It finished half an hour ago.”