Horn of a dilemma
WATCHING Jeremy Corbyn and Boris Johnson march side-by-side into Parliament this week – one grim, one grinning – was a stark reminder that the lottery of life is all about winners and losers. The Diary often focuses on those two factions as well, as becomes apparent as we look back at some classic tales. Such as the put-upon proprietor of an Italian café in Perth who owned a wind-up gramophone which became a target for mischief by the local bad lads. The poor café owner had to repeatedly reprimand the young rogues with the words: “Hey, boays. No flickin’ the peas doon the hoarna the gramophone. You’ll choke Harry Lauder.”
Sensitivity training
SOME jobs entail being a loser in love. Unsociable working hours mean precious opportunities to spend time with a partner rarely arise. Though there are winners in such situations. We were once told of a group of Faslane submariners who were discussing the stress of leaving their families for long periods of time. One of the older, more experienced chaps told the rest of the lads: “You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs.” After a pause he added: “Never, ever, whistle while you pack.”
Inresen storie
SALESMEN are either winners or losers, with nothing in between. We recall the story of a newly hired travelling salesman who wrote his first sales report to the office. Its sheer illiteracy stunned the top brass: “I have seen this lot what hasnt never bot nuthin fromm us, an I sole them a buncha goods for a thousand quid. I am now goin to Manncester.” Before he could be given the sack, or at least sent on a course to learn English, there came this letter from Manchester. “I cum hear an sole them haff a millyun.” The next morning the two letters were tacked to the staff bulletin board with this memo from the managing director: “We bin spendin two much time trying to spel instead of sel. You should all get out an do wot he dun.”
Weighty matters
WE’RE mostly discussing the depressing aspects of being a loser, today. Though there are the more positive types of loser, such as those who attempt to offload a bad habit. A few years ago nicotine patches were all the rage. So much so that the Diary received reports of a chap going round with a teabag taped to his arm who said he was trying to give up tea. Not to mention the man with a pie strapped on his arm to see if he could lose weight.
What’s in a name
A MORE recent tale of failure, which appears in this year’s Herald Diary book, A Quacking Good Read by Ken Smith. (Only a few days to go until Christmas, so last chance to buy it as a Crimbo prezzy for your hubby/wife/son/daughter/pet dog/cat/gerbil.) In the book, Ken relates the story of a spelling error that made a loser of a poor chap called Angus. An email was sent round a global organisation on behalf of this bloke, who happened to be a department head. Unfortunately spellcheck on the email didn’t recognise his good Scottish name and omitted the ‘g’. It didn’t help matters that the Angus in question had a permanently rather puckered-up expression.
Bad loser
WE end with a comment from a reader who said he was such a loser, if there was ever a competition for losers, he’d come… second.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here