Piano not his forte

OUR recent story about that class act classical musician, Victor Borge, reminds reader Ken Johnson of the time his seven-year-old son decided to learn to play the piano. “He informed me, rather pompously, that he’d figured out his own way of mastering the instrument,” explains Ken. “First, he would learn the black keys, then the white ones.”

Moot point

IT’S usually a pleasant surprise for a parent when their child decides upon a law career. Reader Rose Dickens tells us it was undoubtedly pleasant when her daughter chose to study for an LLB at Glasgow University. But it was no surprise. “Like most would-be lawyers she was always argumentative,” says Rose. “When she was five years old she spent an entire year attempting to persuade me that Tom was the mouse and Jerry was the cat.”

Muddled maths

IN a sneery sort of mood, reader Marvin Englander gets in touch to inform us that 99 per cent of the population are idiots. “Fortunately I belong to the ten per cent who are very bright,” he adds.

Charmless chin

A DIARY yarn about the influence of country star Kenny Rogers reminds reader Paul Scott of the time he grew a beard. Our man was hoping the grizzled and greying growth spurting from his chin would spice up his marriage somewhat. Alas, this proved not to be the case. “You can sleep in the spare room until you scrape that Kenny Rogers off your face,” his wife callously informed him one evening.

Comic book crazy

“A FRIEND said I was annoying him because I relate everything to Batman,” says Bert Morris, who adds scornfully: “He’s a complete joker.”

Animal antics

OUR run of stories about pets with peculiar names continues. “When I was an art school student I was a fan of Salvador Dali,” explains reader Simon Milton. Unfortunately our wildly creative correspondent never got the hang of painting pictures like his hero. Though he did manage to emulate the Spanish surrealist’s penchant for wacky stunts. “I had a pet cat who I named Dog,” says Simon. “Which made everyone think I was bonkers. Though as I was at art school, being officially anointed bonkers made me far more attractive to the ladies.”

Horse laugh

A PAL of Archie Burleigh from Skelmorlie spent a gap year in the Nebraska backwoods where he met a Native American girl he eventually married. Our reader was sent a WhatsApp picture of the wedding, and he thought the bride’s face was rather horse-like. As though the new hubby was reading his friend’s mind, he had titled the picture "Little Pawnee"

Norse nonsense

DAFT joke time. “My daughter won’t tell me how her date went with a Norse god,” says Lisa Daniels. “She’s keeping it Loki.”

Read more: King William III on his horse, 1942 and 1951