Fishy tale

THE Diary likes to be first to a scoop. Though our crack team of investigative reporters are occasionally pipped to the post, as happened this week when an Edinburgh newspaper reported that jellyfish are appearing on Portobello beach. Are the gelatinous aquatic fiends planning an invasion? As yet we can’t be certain. Though the Diary team have managed to kidnap (jellynap?) a member of the beach marauders, who we intend to interrogate and… No. Wait.

Clarification: Our newsroom captive has turned out to be a fruit jelly, purchased by a reporter intent on rustling up a sherry trifle as a snack.

But never fear. Those cunning Portobello wibble-wobble warriors won’t elude our clutches for long…

Shape shifter

SOME people make really obvious points, complains Les Reid from Edinburgh. He often receives rectangular envelopes with "This Is Not A Circular" written on them.

“I want to write back to those pedants using a circular envelope, and put ‘This Is Not A Rectangular’ on it,” says Les.

Pungent pop star

ARAB STRAP singer Aidan Moffat has been explaining on social media how lockdown is leading to an almost Darwinistic evolution in how he presents himself.

“Is anyone else letting themselves go a bit, and not showering for a couple of days and quite enjoying the natural smell of their body?” he says, adding: “I reek today, but it's kind of okay.”

Questionable question

IN a moment of despair, reader Doug Maughan gets in touch to say: “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”

Prince of puzzles

OUR correspondents have been recalling amusing T-shirt slogans. Mary Duncan believes the best blurb to have emblazoned across a top was: "I cracked the Wee Stinker."

Such a message wasn’t an admission that the T-shirt wearer had eaten beans, of course.

It was the proud boast made by fans of The Herald’s legendary crossword, written by the late, great Myops, aka John McKie.

Train of thought

OF late, readers have been criticising rival Scottish neighbourhoods using the medium of rhyme. (We believe in the hip hop community this is called rap battling.)

Anne Neilson from Kilwinning offers up the following catchy couplet, traducing the lack of locomotive transportation in a nearby village:

“Of course, there's a station in Glengarnock,

But, since 1963, where's the route to Kilmarnock?”

Planetary pondering

RESPONDING to a reader’s wry observation that Flat Earthers constitute a global movement, Hugh Steele from Cumbernauld points out that you could also say group members hail from all four corners of the earth.

Weighty words

“I HAD this strange dream I was weightless,” reveals reader Jennifer Cullen. “When I woke up I gasped: ‘0mg!’”

Read more: The Herald Diary: Teenagers, eh?