Reality rules

IT was famously once said by Marx (Karl, not Groucho) that history repeats itself. First as tragedy, then farce. The Diary doesn’t agree with this proposition. Instead, we advance an alternative theory. History repeats itself. First as reality. Then reality TV.

Former Rangers star Paul Gascoigne is the latest high-profile figure to ramble down the well-remunerated reality route, and is currently appearing on the Italian version of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

Most people probably assume reality TV is a relatively new concept, though its roots can actually be traced all the way back to the Herald Diary. People acting silly; acting sassy; acting saucy; squabbling; making terrible mistakes; being confronted by public humiliation – it’s not just on your telly.

It’s in the Diary every day.

We never tire of reporting on such matters, as the following classic tales from our archives make clear.

Vague about veg

ONE of our readers was once on the bus into Glasgow from Baillieston, and heard a young girl say to her pal: “What’s the difference between a lettuce and a cabbage?”

“I give in,” replied her pal. “What is the difference?”

“No, I’m serious,” said the first girl. “What’s the difference?”

Battling Berwick

COMEDIAN Mark Steel always likes to include local stories in his performances when he tours. We remember when he was in Berwick-upon-Tweed and heard the apocryphal yarn that Berwick was technically still at war with Russia as its name was missed off a peace treaty hundreds of years ago.

When Mark contacted the Foreign Office to verify this, he was loftily told: “If Berwick-upon-Tweed is at war with Russia, they certainly haven’t informed us.”

Ossified amore

A GREENOCK correspondent overheard some mature ladies discussing a dating agency one of them had joined. She was complaining that the chaps on it were a bit elderly. “They should rename it,” she told her pals, “the Carbon Dating Agency.”

Student flat (out)

A READER claims he went to visit his student son in Dundee and, reaching the student flats, wasn’t sure if he was pressing the right buzzer, so he asked the person who answered: “Does Davey live here?”

He was concerned when he heard the reply: “Aye. Just leave him there and we’ll collect him later.”

Relatively rough

A CHAP was overheard discussing a wedding he attended, and when asked what the bride’s family were like, he replied: “I wouldn’t say they were rough, but when they were being photographed they automatically held out their hands expecting to be fingerprinted as well.”

Flash about cash

A DIARY correspondent was out socialising in Glasgow city centre, and was impressed by the insouciance of the chap at the bar who was asked by the young woman he was talking to: “What would you do if you had a million pounds in the bank?”

The chap merely replied: “Wonder where the rest of it had got to.”

Dairy dumped

A PRESTWICK milkman once told us about the puzzling call he received from a woman who told him: “My neighbour must have forgotten to cancel her milk before she died yesterday.”

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