Foreign affairs – continued

THERE are a few eternal conundrums that scientists and philosophers have never been wise enough to answer, such as what is the meaning of life? Why do bad things happen to good people? And – most important of all – if technology is so advanced, why has the triple-decker bus not yet been invented?

The Diary has no scientists or philosophers on the payroll, yet we are adept at dealing with life’s mysteries.

For example, yesterday we mentioned that reader Margaret Forbes has been entertaining Akiko, the mother of one of Celtic’s Japanese footballers. Other readers demanded to know how Margaret bagged such a privilege.

So we ask Margaret, and she explains that Akiko practises Nichiren Buddhism, and wanted to meet others of the faith in Scotland, and that happens to include Margaret.

“That’s why she came to visit,” says Margaret. “And I was able to introduce her to hot cross buns – she thought they were delicious!”

The Diary wonders how Akiko would have reacted if she’d sampled tattie scones. Probably decided to settle in Scotia for good…

Pegged out

NEWSHOUND Ian Noble from Carstairs Village read that a crime boss with a wooden leg was apprehended after 30 years on the run.

“Shouldn’t that be 30 years on the hop?” inquires Ian.

Mortifying moniker

THE Diary recently heard about a firm of funeral directors called YOLO (You Only Leave Once). Musing on other suitable acronyms for morticians, David Donaldson suggests GTF, which sounds a tad rude for a final send-off – though David assures us it stands for… Good Traditional Funerals.

Modern romance

VALENTINE’S Day is upon us, meaning that – curses! – we must dote upon our partners for a hellish 24 hours of vulgar sentimentality.

Even the stone-hearted Diary has grudgingly been dragged into the fray, for we’re currently deciding upon the worst reply to the sentence: “I love you.”

Tom Harvey suggests: “Pipe down, pal. Or I’m asking for a new cell mate.”

A tall tale

“CONCRETE and glass are mostly made from sand,” points out reader Mark Ramsden, “which means skyscrapers are just tall sandcastles.”

Read more from the Diary: Excuse over Celtic player's mother earns accolade

Work or shirk?

THE teenage son of reader Alice Jones has long wanted to study medicine, though he recently changed his mind. Alice inquired why.

“The school careers advisor said it entails hard work, discipline and perseverance,” sighed the youth. “I’ve got no time for all that.”

Getting the sack

CURIOUS reader Nicola Munro asks: “If a mail worker loses their job, does that mean they’re relieved of their post?”