Nic nae mair

AND so the mighty Sturgeonator has handed in her notice. On hearing the news, reader Barbara Webb immediately informed her husband, a diehard SNP supporter.

Without skipping a beat, he said: “I blame the English.”

“Anyone specific?” inquired Barbara.

“Nah,” said hubby. “Every single one of ‘em.”

Identity politics

THE English radio broadcaster Julia Hartley-Brewer tries to comfort Scotia’s once imperious leader in her time of going.

Says Julia: “Don’t worry Nicola Sturgeon. You can still self-identify as the Scottish First Minister.”



WE mentioned an exotically-garbed chap scootering round Glasgow city centre. Dan Forrest was in the Muirend Sainsbury’s in the middle of the afternoon this week when he spotted something equally colourful and confusing. Three females in their early twenties were sauntering round the aisles while wearing fuzzy pyjama onesies.

Even stranger, no other shopper seemed in the least bit discombobulated.

Apart from our man Dan, that is, who turned to his wife next to him and sputtered: “See that? In their jimjams! Why’s nobody shocked?”

Said his wife: “Once you see the price of milk in here, you’re sort of shocked out.”

Mind your language

WE mentioned humanist funerals. A friend of Russell Smith from Largs recently presided over one such ceremony.

The widow of the deceased had an affinity for foreign languages, meaning she could explain away the foibles of her otherwise popular hubby by saying in 13 different languages: “Harry can be a very difficult man.”

Dad dissed

THE daughter of Gordon McRae was assisting him with some software problems afflicting his ancient computer when she mentioned that it was so old it needed a crank to get it going.

Says Gordon: “I was forced to suggest that this wasn't an appropriate way to address her dad.”

Read more from the Diary: A fashion statement under the Umbrella

Hop strop

A READER recently spotted a newspaper article reporting that a crime boss with a wooden leg had been nabbed after 30 years on the run.

Our pedantic correspondent argued that the phrase should have been ‘thirty years on the hop’.

Which leads Bert Peattie from Kirkcaldy to counter: “Surely that’s a matter of a pin yin.”

Games people play

“I HAVE a very boring boyfriend who never wants to do anything exciting,” admits reader Georgina Clarke, who thought she was about to change her mind when the dull lad got in touch and suggested a night on the tiles.

“I was thrilled,” says Georgina, “until he arrived at my flat with a Scrabble box under his arm.”