TELEVISISON historian Neil Oliver is feeling less than enthusiastic about the forthcoming General Election. “Hands up if you think the result of a General Election is likely to be accepted by whichever sides don’t win,” he cynically sneers, before adding: “All I’ve gleaned from the past several years is that nothing is final any more. We are in a post-decision world.” The Diary has decided to agree with Neil’s sentiment. Though on further consideration, we’ve now changed our mind…

Breath-taking bank raid

THE Herald story about asthma inhalers endangering the planet through greenhouse gas emissions intrigued reader Karl Bruce, himself an asthmatic. Karl previously assumed the little gizmo that aids his breathing was fairly inoffensive. He insists, however, he feels no guilt upon discovering the wanton destruction tat he, and his huffing-puffing brethren, are inflicting. “Apparently I’m carrying a loaded and dangerous weapon, so perhaps I should become a robber,” says Karl. “Then I’ll burst into the local Bank of Scotland, whip out my inhaler, and roar like a New York heavy: ‘Hand over dem notes and coins, ya no good bums, or I squirt. Believe me, I ain’t afraid ta send dis entire planet to da morgue.’”

Taking the p

A BUSINESSMAN friend of a Milngavie reader, under pressure with several staff off sick, found himself fielding yet another call from an errant employee. The female flunkey whispered weakly down the blower: “Ah canny make it the morn. I’ve got a urinary complaint.” Her boss, not feeling particularly compassionate, responded curtly: “If it’s a urinary problem, why are you speaking in a whisper? As far as I know, there are no connections between your mouth and the source of your complaint.” The woman clearly wasn’t lying about her malady, because she instantly became so weakened she had to slam down the phone.

Number Ten-uous link

ANOTHER notable figure with a surprising Scottish connection. With his plumy P.G. Wodehouse diction, many would be surprised to learn the current resident of Number 10 Downing Street has strong connections north of the Border. At least that’s what reader Christine Brooks surmises, claiming that Boris (hails from) Johnstone.

X-rated advice

MORE General Election enthusiasm from reader Scott Watts, who writes (with a sarcastic undercurrent): “I’m so excited at the prospect of logging into social media and getting six weeks of everyone telling me how to vote.” Regrettably the Diary is also going to use this opportunity to tell our readers how to vote: You do so with a pen and paper. And an X is usually the most acceptable thing to scribble.

Transparently bad idea

ON a morbid note, Derek Thomas from Livingston wonders if glass coffins would be a success. Answering his own question he concludes: “Remains to be seen.”