Browned off

GLASGOW has an enviable history in industry and the arts. Though it also produces things that are, um, slightly less valuable.

According to new research, the city has the second-highest level of dog poo in the UK, second only to London.

Our fecund Fido population piles up the equivalent to the weight of a dozen Asian elephants annually.

The Diary is unsure what to do with this information. Should locals be shame-faced or boastful?

And if they go with the latter, does this mean it’s time to develop an advertising campaign to attract more tourists?

After all, Edinburgh may have its splendiferous castle on a rock. But it seems that something much more awe-inspiring is tottering over Glasgow.

Bum deal

CONTINUING with the dirty doggy theme. Hot and bothered Glasgow radio broadcaster Amber Zoe has a fan in her room to cool her down, which she says is, “amazing till it’s wafting the smell of the dog’s **** right in my face.”


Condiment confusion

“I ALWAYS get chutney and pickle mixed up,” admits reader Jim Carver. “It makes me chuckle.”

Dad’s delighted

WE’RE discussing occasions that were undermined by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Harry Shaw from Airdrie was a guest at an outdoor wedding in Jamaica. The arrival of each member of the bridal party was greeted by a different piece of music. When the bride eventually sashayed down the aisle, she did so to the Etta James number At Last.

Our reader received a dirty look from his wife when he suggested the bride’s father must have picked that particular tune.

Statue of limitations

HAVING discovered that Tory grandee Michael Heseltine has a bust of Lenin in his garden, we’re guessing what statues other politicians might have nestled next to their hydrangeas.

Russell Smith from Largs wonders if Alex Salmond has a marble effigy on a plinth depicting that dazzling figure he admires the most. A figure who inspires him; who he loves dearly, perhaps above all others.

That’s right. Our reader thinks Alex Salmond might have a statue of Alex Salmond in his garden.

Munchies in manger

WE mentioned that there have been some unusual ways of advertising dairy products. Which reminds reader Richard Davis of the Christmas when his local supermarket put on a nativity scene with Babybel cheeses.

Boozy badinage

YET again the Diary finds itself in the pub, courtesy of reader Jim Hamilton, who tells us: “A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.”

Read more: Matches and dispatches