Fool’s parade

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts, a laid-back chap who was even venerated by those who wouldn’t necessarily call themselves fans of the band.

Reader Melissa Bourke dated a bloke who adored jazz with as much passion as he despised rock music.

He once spotted a classic Rolling Stones album on a coffee table in Melissa’s flat. The record had a picture of the band emblazoned across the front.

Pointing to each member of the Stones in turn, he made the following lofty pronouncement: “Eejit, eejit, eejit, super-eejit… nae bad oan the sticks.”

Melissa says: “That translated to mean Bill Wyman, Brian Jones, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Charlie was the non-eejit, of course.”

Winning sucks

READER Tony Grant's grandmother once won a decent amount of dosh on the lottery. Tony wondered if she would mark the occasion by going for a slap-up lunch with chums.

“Not me,” said gran. “I’ll just do a wee celebratory hoover round the living room.”

Animal tragic

ANIMAL loving Arthur Bowden fancies a job looking after Australian marsupials at Edinburgh Zoo. “Unfortunately,” he sighs, “I don’t possess the necessary koalafications.”

Singing sarnie

WE recently pointed out that enjoying a jam sandwich while wearing a sleeveless jacket could be called a "gilet piece".

Eric Arbuckle from Largs notes that a "Gigli piece" is enjoying a jam sandwich while listening to an operatic aria sung by an Italian tenor (forename Beniamino).

Gambling on future

WE’RE recalling the glories of Strathclyde Uni’s student union. Reader Patricia McDonald once walked past it with a work colleague, who said: “I met my wife in there. Fifteen years later we’ve got three children. Which means new clothes every second minute, buying them toys, plus food and summer holidays.”

Emitting a world-weary sigh, he added: “Cheaper in the long run to have spent my student years jetting back and forward to Las Vegas.”

Inflatable Edinburgh

UNESCO, the United Nations cultural body, has revealed there’s no threat of Edinburgh losing its world heritage status, even though critics have complained about the city’s “Disneyfication”.

Edinburgh native Alan Baxter says: “If Unesco are really unconcerned about the evolution of Edinburgh, perhaps we could get away with a few more subtle changes. For starters, how about replacing that stone monstrosity at the top of the Royal Mile with a bouncy castle?”

Stripped for action

“DID my first nude painting this morning,” boasts reader Tom Atherton. “The neighbours weren't delighted but the front door looks terrific.”


Read more: A cavalcade of comedic contributions