Kid’s stuff

BABIES can be darned annoying. They do unspeakable things in their nappies, say “Wah! Wah! Wah!” far too often, and rarely hold their own in dinner party conversations.

Though they do have one thing in their favour. Babies aren’t litigious. Perhaps they don’t know enough about the law. Or maybe it’s because their chubby fingers struggle to punch in the numbers on a mobile phone to get in touch with a decent solicitor. Though it’s undoubtedly a good thing.

The problem is that babies become adults. Who are litigious.

This is what seems to have happened to the baby who appeared naked on the cover of Nirvana’s classic 1990s album Nevermind. Now an outraged adult named Spencer Elden, he’s suing the band for foisting such a youthful indignity upon him.

Where will this lead? Perhaps the colours blue and red will sue the remaining members of The Beatles for not including them on the White Album cover, a blatant example of white privilege.

Thankfully our Diary contributors never get angry when we publish classic tales from our archive, such as the selection below.

(Let’s just hope none of them bumps into a meddling solicitor…)

Getting shirty

HAMILTON t-shirt printers Dynamic Grafix had a customer who wanted a shirt printed for his wife who had been to New York with friends on a shopping trip, and a hefty credit-card bill had ensued.

He asked for a shirt with the usual “I love NY” on the front, and on the back “Veni, Vidi, Visa” roughly translated as “I came, I saw, I spent.”

Covering the basics

THE cost of car insurance was being discussed by some chaps at an Ayrshire golf club when the philosopher further up the bar opined: “Car insurance is a bit like wearing a hospital gown – you’re never actually covered as much as you think you are.”

Hard to swallow

A GLASGOW waiter managed to bite his tongue when a customer who had a glass of Coke that she had drunk waved him over.

“There’s only melted ice left,” she said, holding up the glass. “I don’t like it.”

Asked if she would like something else, she replied: “Just a glass of water.”

Making a splash

THE LATEST keeping up with the Joneses trend. A reader claims his neighbour painted a large blue rectangle in his back garden so that people looking at the area on Google Earth would think he had a swimming pool.

Colourful comment

A LADY at Glasgow Airport once reported that her suitcase had not arrived. The chap taking her complaint asked what colour it was and she replied: “Wine.”

“Red or white?” he inquired.

Rambo ramblings

A READER swore he heard a local in a Port Glasgow pub telling his pal he had just watched a very good film starring “Sylvester… Whatsisname?”

“Stallone?” his mate replied.

“Naw. It finished ages ago.”

Puppet polished off

WE recall the joke told by comedian Tim Vine at the Edinburgh Fringe, after he won a comedy award.

Tim declared: “I’m going to celebrate by going to Sooty’s barbecue and having a sweepsteak.”

Read more: Can't get no satisfaction on Beatles or Stones query