For the love of Mike

MICHAEL GOVE, who is perhaps the nation’s most vivacious Conservative politician, was spotted gyrating in an Aberdeen nightclub. But which song enticed him on to the dance floor, we wonder?

Jeff Davidson suggests that Groovin’ Gove was flailing his arms and legs around to a 1970s disco hit to celebrate the distinctive experience of being a Tory raised in Scotland.

“He must have been jigging to that classic Chic song,” says our reader. “Le Freak.”

Lightbulb moment

ONE of the tragedies of the human species is that we have a limited lifespan, which means that Herald readers are deprived of enjoying the delights of the Diary for all eternity.

Thinking about how unfair this is, we’re devising ways to avoid slipping the mortal coil for as long as possible.

Russell Smith from Largs says that based on near-death experiences he has heard about, the best suggestion he can offer is "stay away from the light".

This advice can also be used to bolster arguments made by indolent readers who prefer to laze on the sofa rather than submit to household chores.

You merely have to say: “I’m afraid I can’t change the lightbulb, darling. The Herald Diary warned me to stay away from those pesky things. Especially if I have ambitions to be immortal…”

Taking the biscuit

READER Rob Linford's wife claims he’s greedy. To prove her wrong he’s taking her out for tea and biscuits.

“It’s bound to be a special day,” says Rob. “She’s never given blood before.”

London undone

WE continue updating classic children’s books to appease woke idealogues. Laura Minter believes Jack London’s ripping yarn, White Fang – which describes the adventures of a savage wolfdog – is too triggering for modern youth.

“The principle character should become a goldfish called Mr Sweety-Poo,” says our reader. “Though certainly not a goldfish with fangs, white or otherwise.”

Dry remark

HARDWORKING Jenny McLean cooked her teenage son a three-course meal, washed up, then asked the lad if he could possibly dry the dishes.

“Why do I have to do EVERYTHING round here?” he groaned in a self-sacrificing sort of manner.

The tail tale

VISITING Warwick Castle with his wife, reader Len Young spotted some peacocks wandering in the castle grounds. One bird didn’t look too sprightly, and was dragging its once resplendent tail along the ground.

“I think somebody needs some Viagra rubbed in his feathers,” chuckled Len’s wife.

Loud and proud

“A FRIEND passed his degree in sound engineering,” says reader Chris Austin. “He got a 1-2-1-2.”

Read more: Food for thought on home cooking