Clap trap

WE recently evaluated Sir Keir Starmer’s Labour Party conference speech, concluding that it was a tad long, and that the initial three hours could easily have been cut.

(Along with the middle three hours.)

(And the final three hours.)

This week it’s the Conservative Party’s turn to have a knees-up, sorry, serious political discussion.

Reader Nicholas Phillips has predicted Boris Johnson’s forthcoming speech…

“Boris begins by saying ‘Umm’ followed by ‘Ahhh’,” says Nicholas.

“This formula is repeated several hundred times while Boris brushes his hair from his forehead into increasingly phantasmagorical shapes. He concludes with a triumphant ‘Umm’ and ‘Ahhh’ while the dazzled audience rise as one to reward him with a half-hour standing ovation.”

Sneezy singing

“MY favourite allergy song is Blowin’ in the Wind by Peter, Pollen Mary,” reveals reader Robert Crosby.

Sermon stalls

A BIBLICAL reference in the Diary reminds Alastair Sillars from Dumfries of the minister who informed his assistant that his bike had been stolen. The plan of action decided was that the minister would repeat the Ten Commandments in his Sunday sermon. When he got to "thou shalt not steal" the guilt-ridden thief would confess.

On Sunday the minister began his speech, but froze upon reaching ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’.

His assistant later asked why he stopped.

The minister replied: “I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.”

Red alert

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Gordon Casely suggests a van delivering wine could be called… Van Rouge.

Snow joke

THE Diary recently discovered that woolly mammoths might be brought back from extinction. We’re now pondering what use humanity can make of these hirsute hunks of hulkishness.

“The original mammoths lived during the Ice Age,” points out Tom Ogilvy, “meaning they probably excelled at winter sports. So they should represent the UK at the next Winter Olympics.”

Is there any specific activity in which our reader would like to see them compete?

“I’ve never followed the Winter Olympics,” admits Tom. “So I don’t know the individual events. But it would be inspiring if the Woolly Wonders arrived back in Britain with medals swinging from their tusks after grabbing gold for being the world’s best at Snowball Fighting.”

Blue bird

OBSERVANT reader Sharon Pilkington spotted a sign at the supermarket which read: ‘Chicken Strips, £2.50’.

“I didn’t even know poultry wore clothes,” confesses Sharon.

Folding under pressure

EXHAUSTED reader Michelle Davidson reveals that she has resigned from her role as secretary of the local Origami Club.

“There was too much paperwork,” she admits.

Read more: Why Sir Keir Starmer is breaking English rule