Naff? Not arf

THE Scots are a poetic bunch of people who have produced many of the world’s finest bards, including Robert Burns, Robert Burns and – now, who was that other one? – oh, yes, Robert Burns.

In the spirit of the above rabble of Rabbies, the Diary is publishing verse written by our readers, such as the following ode by Gavin Weir from Ochiltree, which is about a blasé bloke called Boris…

Oor Boris aye needs a wee hol

So he’s orf to the Costa del Sol

A luxurious gaff, to pay would be naff

But please, NO photographs

That would be terribly droll.

Money matters

SOME astute financial advice from reader Ronald Hodkinson, who says: “If you really need to get a loan, borrow cash from a pessimist. He’ll never expect it back.”

Pizza the action

COMEDIAN Craig Hill is an eagle-eyed observer of Scotland’s street-life shenanigans.

Describing a recent scene he encountered, he says: “Only in the West Coast could a wummin’ walk in to a hotel lobby at quarter tae wan in the mornin’ shoutin’: ‘Anywan wantin’ extra pizza? I’ve over-ordered.’”

Craig adds: “This other wummin said, ‘You’re like a psychic, hen. I wiz just sayin’, I could fair go a pizza right noo.’”

(And all lived happily ever after…)

Food for thought

WITH a certain spooky date creep-crawling ever closer on the calendar, reader Patricia West says: “Make sure to buy your Halloween sweets for handing out to trick-or-treaters early. That way you have time to buy more Halloween sweets, once you’ve gobbled up the first batch.”

Take a bow ...

WHEN Alfred Potter was 13 he decided to learn the violin, and would practise regularly in the bedroom he shared with his older brother.

Alfred’s bruv was a generous chap who never seemed to be annoyed that he was often forced to listen to a mere novice getting to grips with a complex musical instrument. He once even offered the young maestro in his midst a heartfelt compliment about his playing.

“That was incredible!” he enthused. “I’ve never heard such an accurate rendition of a cat being mangled by a lawnmower.”

Soul van

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Ross Brennan from Aberdeenshire suggests that a vehicle used for refuse collection could be named after a famous American soul singer… Van Dross.

Not adoring doors

CAREER-MINDED reader Gareth Jones says: “I used to work at a revolving door company. Then I thought, ‘This job is going nowhere fast.’”

Read more: Etiquette, Tartan Army-style