On yer bike

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of former Rangers manager Walter Smith. Walter, of course, introduced Paul Gascoigne to Scottish football when he brought the Englishman to Ibrox.

Contract negotiations are normally fraught with tension in footy. Battling participants parry over money and perks, while egos and agents ensure nothing runs smoothly. Though when Walter turned up at the gates of Gascoigne’s gaff in the countryside it was slightly different.

Paul greeted Walter whilst trundling along on a quad bike.

“Who is it?” said Gazza.

“It’s Walter Smith,” said Walter.

“What is it you’re wantin’?” said Gazza.

“I’m here to see if you’ll come to play for Rangers,” said Walter.

“Aye, all right,” said Gazza.

Then he gave Walter a piggyback on his quadbike, and they whizzed off to Gazza’s house.

Job done.

Cheesy comment

BROWSING at the Waitrose cheese counter, Steve Barnet from Gargunnock spotted stickers on all the pre-cut cheese, stating: "contains milk".

Delighted to be schooled by his supermarket, Steve says: “Who’d have thought it?”

Facing the music

SCOTTISH broadcaster Paul Coia’s daughter is disappointed because the gig she was going to this week was cancelled.

Paul wondered why it was called off. His daughter explained that one of the musicians has Covid.

And the name of the band? The Vaccines.


A SNAIL tale in the Diary reminds Alan Walker from Carradale of the bruised snail who limped into a police station.

“I was beaten up by this horrible tortoise,” sobbed the snail to the desk sergeant.

“If we find the miscreant, will you be able recognise him?” inquired the cop.

“I doubt it,” sighed the snail. “It all happened so quickly.”

What a card

ANOTHER story of a genius teen. Reader Mary Shelton’s 14-year-old daughter told mum she’s thinking about studying acting as she has a great deal of talent in that department.

Mum asked what gave her that idea.

“Well,” said the youngster, “whenever you give me a birthday card with money in it, I’m brilliant at pretending I don’t notice the money, and that I’m actually interested in reading what you wrote in the card.”

Dressing down

SARTORIALLY minded reader Rob Truster shocks the Diary with the following revelation: “If you're not wearing any outerwear then your underwear isn't under anything, so you're not wearing any underwear either.”

Squirmy wormy

A HORROR story for Halloween. Reader Tim Brown says: “ I accidentally swallowed some maggots while fishing. Now I'm sitting in A&E with baited breath.”

Read more: When Andy Cameron was Cary Grant