Food fight

CONVIVIAL Gordon Fisher from Stewarton was enjoying a meal with his family in one of East Ayrshire's finest restaurants. The Sunday roast was filling, so he informed everyone that he wasn't sure he could manage pudding.

When the waiter took the dessert order he changed his mind, and said: "I'll have affogato."

Gordon’s 81-year-old mother flashed him a look which was both quizzical and disapproving. When the waiter left, she said: "No wonder you're getting a kite on you. You said you were full up and here you are having half a gateau."

COP out

COP26 continued. Studying the frenetic activity going on in Glasgow, comedian and podcaster Konstantin Kisin says approvingly: "I’ve been learning a lot about climate change this week and the solution seems to be a potent mix of private jets, limos and a teenager who invented a brilliant way to avoid going to school.”

Paper chase

A METAPHYSICAL thought from reader Kenny Harrop, who says: “No matter how hard you push the envelope, it remains stationary.”

Huffy hobby

READER Mary Clarke's mother enjoys knitting, often becoming deeply preoccupied in this endeavour.

“What’s the big deal about knitting?” Mary once asked her.

“Well,” replied her mum. “Before the invention of the mobile phone, knitting was the only way I could ignore your dad on a long train journey.”

Dead reckoning

RELAXING in a Glasgow pub at the weekend, reader Jeremy Worthy heard a chap arguing with his lady friend. The couple must have been preparing to go to a Halloween party as he wore an Elvis costume and she was dressed as a zombie.

In a hurt tone, the chap said: “You callin’ me an eejit, likes?”

His feisty inamorata replied: “Put it like this. If I really were a zombie, I’d oany want tae eat yer brains if I were oan a strict diet.”

A fishy tale

The row between the UK and France about post-Brexit fishing rights has resulted in various ministers and officials getting involved in talks to resolve the matter.

Diary reader John Mulholland was left wondering what the fish themselves think about the situation. He didn’t have long to ponder, as he spotted a newspaper headline which stated: "Sturgeon wades in to French fishing fight."

“Nominative determinism at its best,” says John approvingly. “I hope the Finns don’t get involved.”

Absurd word

WE recently mentioned that Facebook has changed its name to Meta. Reader Raymond Hutton informed his son, who asked: "What's a meta?"

"Nothing,” replied Raymond. “What's a meta with you?"

Read more: Scottish weather and Facebook's rebrand