Tesco a go-go

COMIC actor Johnny Mac has been hard at work treading the boards in the King’s Theatre, where he’s starring alongside Elaine C Smith in this year’s panto, Cinderella.

He does occasionally manage to flee from the huge crowds roaring “He’s behind, you!” by escaping the stage for a quick shopping expedition. Though, alas, this can prove just as traumatic as live theatre.

“Tesco on a Sunday afternoon is like the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan,” shudders Johnny.

Jagged edge

A LEGAL friend of the Diary tells us of a relationship gone awry that reached the Inverness courts recently.

A bloke was indulging in some extra-curricular activity of the amorous kind behind his girlfriend’s back, though he assumed he was safe from discovery, being in the fifth-floor bedroom of a hotel.

This proved not to be the case, for while he was otherwise engaged, his girlfriend bounded through the window, having clambered up scaffolding along the side of the building.

She was also brandishing a saw at the time, for what use we can only guess. Though on hearing this detail, the Diary’s male staff members found themselves, for some unaccountable reason, squirming and crossing their legs.

Thankfully the jaggedy implement was never used.

The Diary’s legal chum says the case resulted in him humming the song, She Came In Through The Bathroom Window.

Though it wasn’t The Beatles version that came to mind, but one by Joe Cocker.

Getting shirty

The heated debate about whether you should put jam or cream on scones first continues…

“I always spread jam on first,” reveals Ian Noble from Carstairs Village. “Then I take a dollop of cream and rub it down the front of my shirt. That’s where it ends up, anyway…”

Buyer’s remorse

FRUSTRATED reader Ken Bentham says: “I desperately want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but the lady on the till keeps putting it back.”

Circus tricks

WE recently mentioned our sadness upon hearing of the death of composer Stephen Sondheim, a giant of the stage. Reader Brenda Lewis says: “Sondheim wasn’t merely a lyrical genius. He could also forecast the future.”

How so?

“Well,” says Brenda. “Back in 1973 he predicted the rise of Boris Johnson and Nicola Sturgeon by writing Send in the Clowns.”

Windy walkers

A CONUNDRUM for our readers, courtesy of Fred Murphy from Cumbernauld, who says: “If slow elderly people have walking sticks, what do fast elderly people use?”

The answer, of course, is… hurry canes.

Read more: The Stewarton schoolgirl who had a flight of fancy over Romeo And Juliet...