Pocket money

THERE’S oodles of dosh available when you become a big-time broadcaster. Just ask Radio Clyde DJ Callum Gallacher, who is in an ecstatic mood.

“What’s greater than pulling on a jacket you haven’t worn in ages and finding £1 in the pocket?” says Callum, before giving the only possible answer: “Pulling on a jacket you haven’t worn in ages and finding £2 in the pocket.”

Saucy idea

THE Herald reported the disturbing news that Heinz have launched Chocolate Orange flavoured mayonnaise. Smacking his lips with relish, culinary correspondent John Dunlop asks: “Can Irn-Bru-flavoured brown sauce be far behind?”

The Santa clause

GLASGOW author Deedee Cuddihy received an email offering customers "certified Santa letters" from a company called Certified Letters from Santa.com.

“How amazing that they've managed to get hold of the actual Santa and get him to write letters to children,” trills a thrilled Deedee, moments before her suspicions kick in.

“Hold on,” she adds, slightly less trillingly. “Isn't it usually children who write letters to Santa? Very confusing. Could this email be spam? I'm especially suspicious now that I see the company is based in Sarasota, Florida and not Lapland...”

On your bike

WE recently reported on a burly biker who, despite being covered in tattoos and facial hair, was a gentle chap at heart.

Reader Josephine Burns tells us she once dated a biker. Upon visiting his flat, she discovered that he was in possession of a small teddy bear, dressed in the exact same gear as worn by his owner.

The teddy was named Larry.

“It was rather cute and showed the biker’s emotional side,” says Josephine, “though I dumped him soon after. It wasn’t his emotional side I was interested in.”

Talking balls

“ALWAYS go to a fancy-dress event disguised as a tennis ball,” advises reader Stewart Harris. “At the bar, you’ll get served straight away.”

Noasis find oasis

IT was reported that Noasis, an Oasis tribute band, got snowed in at a Yorkshire pub last weekend. Perhaps not the worst fate to ever befall a bunch of rockers.

David Will from Milngavie reckons the compulsory lock-in would have provided numerous opportunities for the imbibing of… Cigarettes and Alcohol.

(Wait. Hold on. Aren’t ciggies banned in boozers? The poor rock and rollers must have had to survive on Alcohol and Alcohol…)

Snow joke

AS the winter weather kicks in (and what a kick it truly is) reader Samantha Black asks: “What do you call a snowman with a six pack?”

The answer, of course, is: “An abdominal snowman.”

Read more: The hairy biker dreamed a dream ... or was it a nightmare?