Crackpot crimbo

SOME people emphasise the cosiness of Christmas, as it brings families and communities closer together.

Not the Diary.

We prefer to focus on Crimbo craziness. This truly is a time of inexplicable happenings.

Reader Daisy Parker sent us a photograph she took this week of Glasgow’s famous statue of the Duke of Wellington with a traffic cone on his head.

The cone is still there. The Duke’s horse also wears one, which is often the case. What is different is that Santa has joined Wellington on his mount.

Some Scrooge-like souls may claim this isn’t the genuine Santa, but merely an inebriated chap dressed as Mr Claus, who clambered onto the statue for a drunken dare.

The Diary scoffs at such an unfestive suggestion. Though we are concerned for Saint Nick. Riding a horse is bound to make Rudolph’s red nose glow green with envy.

And who knows what a jealous reindeer is capable of?

Wobbly walking

GOOD news for Glasgow bon vivants, with plans to open a kebab drive-thru "experience" in the city’s east end. Reader Steven Kelly isn’t impressed.

“People tend to indulge in a kebab after a boozy night out, so customers should be on foot, not driving,” he says. “Which means the new kebab joint should be called the stagger-sway-and-stumble-thru experience.”

Carnivore no more?

THE teenage daughter of reader Tim Cole recently became a vegetarian. To show solidarity it was decided that the family would enjoy (endure?) a nut roast on the 25th.

Yet when Tim went food shopping with his wife for tomorrow’s lunch he was surprised when she dropped a turkey in the trolley.

“You know kids, always changing their minds,” explained his other half. “My motto is always have a back-up turkey in case of emergencies.”

Sleep of reason

GLASGOW writer Ian Pattison is up and anxious at 5.20 am. “Poor sleeping pattern lately,” he sighs. “Can’t decide if it’s existential angst or excitement coz Santa’s coming. On balance, it’s probably Santa.”

Present imperfect

MY worst Christmas present ever was a Bonnie Tyler sat nav,” says reader Tom Davidson. “It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.”

Scot… ish

BROADCASTER Paul Coia watched the new Brooke Shields Netflix film, A Castle For Christmas. “Supposedly set in Scotland, the accent coach misheard the brief,” he says. “Instead of ‘Jock’ he’s gone for ‘Ewok’.”

Fear factor

MORE festive fun from reader Lenny Barnes, who asks: “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

The answer is, of course… Claustrophobic.

Read more: Turkeys, yes, but emus? That's stretching it...