Watch the birdy

THERE are only two things you can rely upon in this world.

1) Boris Johnson will bumble and bluster, yet prove impossible to budge from office.

2) Keen-eyed Diary correspondents will always spot examples of nominative determinism. Two examples, on a good day.

Today the Diary correspondent doing the spotting is Brian Chrystal, who read a story in the Herald about an ecologist studying heron nests whose name is… Andrew Chick.

Appearing in the same article was the Conservation Adviser at the National Trust. And his name? Carl Hawke

Says Brian: “Pity the journalist working on the story wasn’t Jackie Bird.”

Hair-raising tale

ANOTHER Herald article was about a doctor who may be banned after performing alleged botched hair transplants.

“Does this mean the rug could be pulled from under him?” asks George Dale from Beith

Glasses = gravitas

SCOTTISH playwright Daniel Jackson (known as DC Jackson to theatre fans) has written some witty comedies in his time. Though perhaps in the future his metier will be trauma-inducing tragedies.

The reason such a seismic artistic shift may be imminent? Daniel’s had his eyes tested for the first time since he was 14.

“I imagine I’m going to be issued glasses,” says Daniel. “Planning on using this as a turning point in my life. I’m going to be a more serious, weighty individual with my gegs.”

Mirror image

AMBITIOUS Gordon Parsons applied for a job hanging mirrors. “It's something I can see myself doing,” says Gordon.

Anatomy lesson

A MENTION of a Diary correspondent swearing like a trooper reminds Fraser Kelly in Manila of his time as a nursing officer in the army hospital in Aldershot.

A student nurse, on her first ward, was curious to know why troopers had a reputation for rude words.

Fraser led her to a patient who was indeed a trooper, then asked this fellow how he felt after recently enduring an operation to remove his appendix.

A string of oaths and expletives followed.

Fraser turned to the student nurse and raised an eyebrow, a la Roger Moore.

The student nurse conceded that she had learned a valuable anatomical lesson. Trooper mouths are indeed of the potty variety.

Uplifting memory

THE wife of raffish Russell Smith from Largs asked him: “Was I really the first girl you slept with?”

“Not sure,” replied Russell. “Were you ever stuck in a Marks & Spencer lift about 20 years ago?”

Cool purchase

“BOUGHT a fantastic new fridge magnet,” says reader Beth Webb. “I’ve now got 12 fridges.”

Read more: Going Dutch with a different touch