Maxing out

THE Diary’s favourite politician is Boris Johnson. The burly blond bungler always provides us with classic comedy moments. We imagine he has some other purpose in life, though we haven’t quite figured out what it is yet.

This has probably been Boris’s most dispiriting period since that painful occasion when he was boarding at Eton and struggled to read his copy of The Beano after his incompetent valet singed it while smoothing out the pages at the ironing board.

In an attempt to cling on to power, BoJo was spotted in the Parliamentary tearoom this week, sipping Coca-Cola and pleading with his own MPs to give him another chance.

Anum Qaisar, the SNP member for Airdrie and Shotts, was not impressed.

“Knew Boris Johnson would be a Diet Coke person,” she snorts. “Everyone knows that Pepsi Max is the better drink, and absolutely phenomenal.”

Grizzly ending

ANOTHER tale from the school yard. Glasgow primary teacher Lynn Hollingsworth was once explaining to her little charges about extinction. She used, as an example, the sad truth that the giant panda is struggling as a species to survive.

One little lad, who seemed untroubled by the plight of the bamboo-guzzling fuzzballs, said: “Wit’s the fuss? If pandas dae vanish, we can just nab a bunch o’ grizzlies an’ paint ‘em black and white.”

Boffins & bubbles

OUR readers, who are impressively literate in the ways of science, have been devising "ologies" worth studying at university.

Frank Kinghorn from Rutherglen tells us that when physicists study the gassy properties of lemonade it is labelled physiology.

Razor’s edgy

FILM fan Hilary Metcalf from Stirling says: “Vampires in movies are mostly clean-shaven despite not being able to see their reflection in the mirror. Surely their chins should be covered in sticking plasters.”

Sod’s law

OUR sporting correspondents are enjoying the tennis. David Walker from Motherwell says: “The raised grass outside Wimbledon’s Centre Court was formerly named Henman Hill, then Murray Mound. If Cameron Norrie continues to excel in the game, can we expect this plot of land to be excavated into a quarry?”

Roving with Rover

THE Diary’s Book Nook recently opened for business, now we’re promoting top tomes worth perusing. Ioin Millar from Newton Mearns suggests an upsurge in pet ownership means many animal lovers will be eager to buy The Canine Exerciser by Doug Walker.

Destructively constructive

“I’VE an architect friend who’s addicted to building overly-elaborate communal living facilities,” says reader Nigel Richardson. “His therapist says he has a complex complex complex.”

Read more: A pupil's outpouring of enthusiasm