Snippy clippie

COMEDY great Andy Cameron recalls the time a wee leerie (the chap who sauntered from close to close extinguishing the gas lighting) was attempting to board a tramcar during a rain storm in the Coocaddens.

The clippie informed him that he “wisnae gettin’ oan ma caur wi that ladder”.

After negotiations ended, the poor fellow was left standing in the downpour, holding his wee ladder as the car trundled towards Maryhill.

Understandably outraged, he called to the bossy clippie: “Ach, stick yer caur up yer a**e.”

To which the clippie replied: “You dae that wi’ yer ladder and ah’ll let ye oan ma caur.”

Brought to book

JK Rowling is a rather famous Edinburgh author you may have heard of. Though it seems her own family sometimes need a crash-course in facts about mum’s books.

“One of my children was at a loose end one afternoon and went on one of those Potter walking tours with their best mate for a laugh,” reveals Rowling, who adds: “They came home with a ton of information that was news to me.”

Food for thought

OUR readers are a meditative bunch, always searching for answers to the philosophical conundrums that have plagued mankind for an eternity.

Robert Gardner admits he has long wondered how a one-armed chef would mould the meatballs he’s preparing. He’s now arrived at a solution.

“Surely there can be no more appropriate way to prepare beef than by using your oxters,” he says, before adding for culinary guidance, “just pick the frizzy hairs out and you have a delicious meal.”

Literature for loners

WE continue adding works of fiction and non-fiction to the Diary’s Book Nook. Carl Williamson suggests: Handbook for Hermits by Lisa Lane.

More BoJo woe

THE Diary is mourning the political demise of the nation’s most revered and dignified statesman. Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock recalls the glory years of BoJo’s rule by saying: “So, the Tory Party have dropped Boris at last, after supporting him through sick and sin.”

Cleaning instructions

THE daughter of reader Gwen White attended university in London. Gwen was worried that she wouldn’t embrace student life ­– a fear that was allayed when the teenager made her first phone call home after one week and without preamble said: “Mum, how do you get sick out of a coat?”

Boaty badinage

HISTORICALLY-MINDED reader Alicia Hogan gets in touch to say: “Not many people know that the Titanic had a sister ship called the Italic. Luckily it didn’t sink. It just leaned to one side.”

Read more: A fishy tale to frighten the legs off us