Watch the birdy

SOME basic summertime maths. Cloudless sky + hot sun = paradise.

However… Cloudless sky + hot sun + seagull = hell on Earth.

At least that’s what Deedee Cuddihy tells us. Our intrepid correspondent has been hearing from numerous desperate souls who have barely recovered from encounters with the brash, brigand birdies.

One of Deedee’s Glasgow chums was attempting to enjoy a two-scoop vanilla ice cream cone while holidaying in Whitby.

Unfortunately a local varmint of the seagull variety operated a two-scoop swoop and vamoosed with the vanilla.

Deedee has also been notified of a Dumfries seagull who instigated a flapjack attack, while an Ayrshire gull gobbled a hot doughnut.

The Diary suggests the human race should surrender immediately and bow down to our seagull overlords.

Who knows, they may show pity and let us nibble a handful of yummy worms, while they chow down at the local carvery.

Ironic interlude

PHILOSOPHICAL thought of the day from reader Ken Garner, who says: “The only thing fire drills actually teach people is how to sarcastically leave a building as a group.”

Bum deal

A DIARY yarn about bottoms reminds Barrie Crawford of a match at Fir Park. The linesman raised his flag, indicating one of the home players was offside.

An irate Motherwell fan yelled: “Haw, linesman, stick yer flag up yer a**e!”

The linesman duly retorted: “Ah canny. It’s fu’ o’ whustles!”

Bam means Nam

GLASGOW taxi driver Mark Rushton gave a lift to an American tourist this week who said: “I love the simmering tension in your city. I was in the self-service queue at Sainsbury’s and some drunk guy started screaming that he was being overcharged for Frosties. Felt like I was in a Vietnam movie.”

Liquid launch

HOLIDAY hijinks. Glasgow playwright Catriona Duggan was struggling to enjoy a boat trip while nursing a hangover.

“So when they handed out wee cups of water I gratefully necked one,” says Catriona.

Alas, the liquid she was gurgling turned out to be grappa.

“This is the story of how I died at sea,” groans the pitifully puggled playwright.

Counter intuitive

ONE of the most detailed photos of the universe has been snapped by the James Webb Space Telescope. The image is studded with stars and faraway galaxies.

Ian Noble from Carstairs Village is more impressed than most. Our awestruck reader says: “My immediate thought was, it looks very like my kitchen counter top.”


“THE problem with monorail designers,” says reader Albert Harvey, “is they all have a one-track mind.”

Read more: The steps some people took to get on a tram ...