Bog awful

LIKE a booze-addled bloke with a bloated bladder, the Diary finds itself retreating to the nearest toilet cubicle for relief. (Perhaps that should be "light relief", which is the specialism of this column, after all.)

We recently mentioned the dreaded IZAL, a nippy brand of loo roll that could have been invented by the fiendish cousin of Genghis Khan… Genghis Khazi.

IZAL was notorious a few decades ago, recalls David Donaldson.

“Any girl christened Isla was liable to be called Izal at school,” he says. “And let’s not forget Bronco, the original kick-ass loo paper…”

Write stuff

MORE toilet humour. A Diary mention of cerebral graffiti daubed on a urinal wall in London inspires Jim Lawrie to recall an equally smarty-pants scrawl on the gents' lavvie door in Glasgow’s Curler’s Tavern in the 1970s…

"Doing is Being" – Sartre.

"Being is Doing" – Descartes.

"Doobedoobedo" – Sinatra.

Jurassic japery

WE mentioned the Pleasance Theatre in Edinburgh cancelling a performance by Glasgow comedian Jerry Sadowitz after it was discovered that he tends to be outrageous. (The Pleasance management seem to be the last group of stragglers to cotton on to this fact. Sadowitz has been offending since the Jurassic era, when he used to mock Tyrannosaurus Rex for having teensy-weensy arms.)

Actor and comedian Tom Walker, who performs as fictional character Jonathan Pie, says: “Going to see Jerry Sadowitz and then complaining he was offensive is like going to a nudist beach and complaining there were too many turkey skin crotch nuggets on display.”

Burgering about

LESS controversial, but equally amusing, is Edinburgh comic Martin Bearne, who has just started an entertaining Fringe run at the Thistle Theatre. Martin once informed us that he was going into after-dinner speaking.

“Not paid,” he added. “I’m just going to shout at people in Burger King.”

Nicola goes nocturnal

THE supermoon recently spied in the night sky is known in astronomical circles as a Sturgeon Moon. Reader Bill Eadie says: “Will Liz Truss be asking the First Minister what she did to get the Moon named after her?”

Hot and bothered

SIZZLING temperatures have been replaced by slashing rain. Ian Noble from Carstairs Village is glad.

“Heatwaves in Glasgow go something like this,” he says.

Day 1. “Aw, it’s a braw day!”

Day 2. “Ah hope this keeps up.”

Day 3. “Ah canny staun oany mair o’ this…”

Far-flung Friesian

DAIRY-BASED daffiness from reader Gareth Bolland, who says: “The hardest part about making skimmed milk is throwing a cow across a river.”

Read more: Getting hot and bothered over Jerry Sadowitz