Welcoming wellies

YEARS ago reader Colin Hunt worked in an Aberdeen shoe shop where a farmer and his wife once arrived from nearby arable lands.

The farmer was a rugged fellow with a long straggly beard. Getting on in years, he remained a strapping chap who could easily balance a combine harvester on his pinky finger. (We exaggerate, though just a tad.)

It transpired that he was on the hunt for wellington boots. Hoicking on a pair, this Viking deity of a man turned to his wife approvingly and said: “Nice an’ snug. I feel jist like Cinderella tryin’ oan that wee glass slipper.”

Shove it

WE’RE discussing Halloween costumes that involve no effort. Robert Marshall suggests that if you’re a couple, arrive at the fancy dress party wearing your everyday clothes. Though when you reach the front door of the abode where the shindig’s taking place make sure to barge past everyone else trying to gain entrance.

“Then announce,” says Robert, “that you’ve come as Holly and Phil.”

Cashing in

THE Diary is musing on what Scotland should name its currency if we become an independent nation. A previous suggestion was the Tillicoultry because it’s near Stirling. (Stirling/Sterling. Gerrit?)

David Donaldson scoffs at this, saying it doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue.

He points out there’s another town a mere 12 miles from Stirling with a more appropriate name.

So our new currency should be called… the Dollar.

(Hmmm. We’re not sure about this. Seems an unlikely name for money.)

Loopy lingo

PUGNACIOUSLY-PEDANTIC Laura McCormick gets in touch to point out: “When you say you’re taking the bus, it’s actually taking you.”

Apple not applicable

FORMER Larkhall GP John Wilson notes that family medicine has greatly evolved. He suggests the snappy old adage "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" should now be updated to the slightly less snappy "eating one of your five a day reduces the need for an online consultation".

Footie flop

YOU know you’re in deep trouble when your name becomes a source of frivolity for football fans. So it seems that a certain former Paisley resident has yet more reason to be nervous about her future, for reader Foster Evans notifies us that Kilmarnock diehards were recently heard singing at the top of their voices to the St Mirren faithful: “Liz Truss, she’s one of your own…”

Costly mistake

A DIARY tale about confusion in the classroom inspires Katherine Phillips to shamefully admit: “I always assumed The Charge of the Light Brigade was an electricity bill.”

Read more from the Diary: Painting an unhappy picture