Curious cuppa

ELECTRICIAN Simon Walker used to enjoy a cup of tea. Eventually he dispensed with the teabag and started drinking hot water with just a splash of milk and two sugars. Striving to become a true minimalist, he finally stopped adding milk and sugar and just sipped a mug of hot water, with a dash of cold water added to the mix. (Simon says it’s a basic but brill brew, and you really should try it.)

He was recently fixing the electrics in a flat when the homeowner asked if he’d like something to drink.

Simon requested his usual.

“A mug of hot water with cold water?” said his scandalised client. “Don’t you know you should never mix your drinks?”

Finance for beginners

WAITING in the queue at the bank, Gordon Hart noticed two chaps in front of him trying to cash a cheque.

“Have you any ID?” inquired the teller.

One of the chaps produced a passport photo of himself, though unfortunately without a passport to go with it.

“How do I know that’s you?” asked the shrewd teller.

The chap triumphantly turned to his pal and said: “Tell her that’s me.”

(We’re not entirely sure what happened next, though we’re guessing that the teller, admitting defeat, handed the keys of the bank safe to the two chaps, and said: “Go on. Help yourself. Though try and leave a few quid for everyone else.”)

House of horror

CURIOUS reader Beverley Morris wonders: “Is a warehouse just like a normal house, only hairy during a full moon?”

Trio trimmed

THE Diary continues its potty plan to depluralise famous movies. Alan Potter from Paisley suggests the classic Clint Eastwood western… ‘The Good’.

Then, to show that sometimes this depuluralising malarky can go too far, Alan adds: “Perhaps I should say that it’s a film starring Clint Easttree.”

Colour-coded Crimbo

THE festive season is almost upon us, leading a merry Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie to say: “It’s nearly December, and here I am already dreaming of a White Christmas. However, if the white runs out the red will do…”

Brazil belittled

FOOTY expert Eddy Cavin is helping Diary readers prepare for the World Cup by revealing the cornball clichés which sport broadcasters will inevitably spout.

Today he explains: “Any team from South America will be referred to as ‘hot tempered’, except Brazil who will be playing ‘samba’ football.”

Food for thought

“WHEN you’re cooking a Hawaiian pizza, try not to burn it,” advises reader Rose Devine. “Always put it on aloha temperature.”

Read more: Get set for the chronic Teutonic