Cutting edge

THE Supreme Court has ruled that Nicola Sturgeon can’t hold a future referendum on Scottish independence without a thumbs-up from Rishi Sunak.

At present Rishi’s thumbs are keeping themselves toasty warm by cosying down in his trouser pockets, and it’s unlikely that they’ll be making a public appearance any time soon.

The ruling will obviously lead to peace and harmony in Scotia, with both sides of the independence debate accepting the status quo with grace and humility. Then again, perhaps not.

Says reader Jennifer Lott: “I’m sure I spotted someone looking very much like Nicola Sturgeon wielding a hacksaw and tip-toeing up to the Scottish border. Perhaps we’ll be saying cheery-bye to the English mainland, after all…”

Baby talk

AFFABLE reader Gavin Harris got chatting to a work colleague, who was in a buoyant mood because his wife had recently given birth to their first child.

“It’s totally nuts how much I’ve connected with the wee fella,” said this chap. “I mean, I’ve only known him six weeks, and it’s not as though we’ve had any deep and meaningful conversations.”

Wheely good idea

WHILE lesser news-gathering organisations waste their time with idle chit-chat about the economy, global warming and China’s worsening relationship with Taiwan, the Diary focuses on serious matters. Recently this has meant seeing how many famous movies we can depluralise, and today’s magnificent effort comes from Bob Jamieson, who hopes to see a depluralised version of a classic Italian flick from 1948.

Which would, of course, be titled The Unicycle Thieves.

Time wasting

IT’S been a strange World Cup for numerous reasons. One of the weird things is that it commenced in late November.

Though reader Ken Rennie points out that an excessive amount of extra time is being played in many of the games, leading him to conclude: “If this continues, it’ll soon turn into just another summer World Cup.”

Sad reflections

AS the financial situation in this country gets increasingly precarious over the winter months, reader Pamela Yorke notes that things were equally bad during her childhood.

“We were so poor,” says Pamela, “that for my 10th birthday, mum put five candles on a cake, then sat it next to a mirror.”

Talking turkey

LIKE Santa on his souped-up sleigh ordering Rudolph and Co to ignore “those bloomin’ speed cameras”, Christmas is gaining on us, fast.

Meaning it’s time for a Diary Yuletide cracker…

“I’m addicted to Christmas puns,” says reader Barbara Murray. “But I’m trying to quit them, cold turkey.”

Read more from the Diary: A classic joke brought right up to date