The bum deal

THE Diary receives some most peculiar emails from public relations companies. For instance, dropping into our inbox the other day was a missive intriguingly titled: “Ten Foods To Eat If You Want A Bigger Butt, According To Expert.”

We admit to being previously unaware that there are bona fide authorities on enlarging the gluteus maximus. Is this, perchance, what is meant when someone is referred to as a heid bummer?

Perusing the email, we discover that if we desire a more splendiferous posterior, tomatoes are very useful.

As we haven’t yet reached the end of the email, we’re not sure whether the tomatoes are to be eaten, or stuffed down the back of the trousers or skirt.

Perhaps both..?

Time for tom

IMBIBING a few festive ales with chums in his local boozer, reader Glenn Brown said to one of his pals: “I expect you’ll be up to some shenanigans, come Hogmanay.”

The pal merely sighed, then said: “I’ll be up to some sort of tomfoolery, no doubt. But I just don’t have the energy for shenanigans.”

Santa sayonara

THE eight-year-old son of reader Catriona Porter was looking troubled, so she asked what was the matter.

To which he replied: “I don’t think I believe in Santa any more. Does that mean he won’t be coming to our house, now?”

Freeze flick

THE nippy North Pole is a knock-knock-knocking on our doors this December, demanding to be allowed inside. That’s because the Government has concluded that heating our homes is a decadent extravagance, so instead we are advised to embrace the freezing weather.

To celebrate the chilblains and chattering teeth that surely lie ahead, our readers have forsworn sitting down to enjoy cosy Christmas movies, and are instead watching films about the cold.

Bob Jamieson tells us he’ll be watching Nae-coal Kidman starring in Grate Expectations.

Biblical badinage

A FEW years ago reader Beatrice Hunter was working in an old age home in Glasgow’s south side, and got chatting to a couple of residents. These two elderly ladies were ostensibly bosom buddies, though in truth they spent much of the time squabbling.

On this occasion, one of the women happened to say: “We didn’t celebrate Christmas in my house when I was a wee lassie.”

The other lady immediately replied: “Aye, well, that’ll be because Jesus hudnie been born, yet.”

Read more from the Diary: An ice way to spend Christmas

Savvy sipping

BEVERIDGE boffin Bob Upton gets in touch, for he believes it’s important that all our readers should be aware that “the ‘ea’ in tea is silent.”