The Diary recently mentioned cannibalism, though only in reference to a Glasgow theatre performance, and certainly not the real thing.
(The Diary does not condone cannibalism, we must emphasise. We’d be sorely disappointed if any of our readers were to pursue this niche culinary practice, for human flesh is exceedingly salty and fatty, and should never be considered part of a balanced diet.)
Miriam McCartney from Newton Mearns tells us that many years ago her young son demanded “cannibals” for lunch.
Miriam was more than a little perturbed by this announcement, and wondered where she could find cannibals at such short notice.
She was also concerned that any cannibals she might be able to rustle up would not take kindly to being nibbled, and would try their darndest to nibble back.(Nibblee becoming nibbler, so to speak.)
Luckily all became clear when Miriam’s husband explained: “I think he wants a can of meatballs...”
Food for thought
More from the world of scoff.
Reader Bert Roberts says: “The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.”
Where’s Wall-y?
Confused Martin Harris gets in touch, seeking help from our readers.
“I’ve been doing a crossword which has the clue ‘wall-building emperor’, but with seven letters,” he says.
“‘Trump’ doesn’t fit. Suggestions, please…”
In the drink
American politics, continued.
“With all the problems The Donald is having with the Reflecting Pool and Iran,” says Graeme Stewart from Knightswood, “maybe he should rename the pool the ‘Strait of Warm Ooze’.
“He could also blame the damage on Al Gae Da...”
Key to confidence
The other afternoon Julie Kelly met friends at a Glasgow bar.
At one point the gang started discussing a mutual acquaintance.
“She’s very confident,” pointed out Julie.
One of her friends shrugged dismissively, then said: “Confidence is just someone stupid enough to be wrong in public.”
Scot… or not?
Scotland’s football team exited the World Cup, making as much impact as a bluebottle trying to headbutt a charging rhinoceros.
In other words, plenty of thrills and spills (minus the thrills). Joe Harris admits it’s not his first disappointment as a Scotland fan.
“As a kid, my dad jokingly told me that Diego Maradona had Scottish roots,” he says.
“Imagine my disappointment upon discovering that his original name wasn’t Dave Mac-adona.”
A fishy tale
A fun fact from reader Kevin Hargreaves: “Koi fish travel in groups of four. If attacked koi A, B and C scatter, leaving behind the D koi.”
The Diary is published twice a week on the Herald website - on Thursday and Saturday mornings. And on Saturdays in the print edition of The Herald. Do you have a tale to tell? Contact The Diary on 07375 137 824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk
