WITH Prime Minister’s Questions this week coming 12 days before Christmas, we can reveal that, far from partridges, doves, French hens or other avian peculiarities, our leaders requested the following in messages to Santa.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak: an anti-migrant magic spray and a bottle of Farage for Men. Labour leader Keir Starmer: Conservative policies and a Margaret Thatcher blow-up doll. SNP Westminster leader Stephen Flynn: Freedom!

Christmas at Westminster is a time for insults but, before getting down to business, Mr Sunak wished everyone a merry one and led cheers too for the return of the Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, after a bout of Covid, from which he’d fully recovered, remaining as angry as ever.

Sir Keir observed: “Christmas is a time of peace” – taking the peace more like – “on Earth and goodwill to all. Has anyone told the Tory Party?” This was greeted by his backbenchers with exaggerated, oh-my-sides belly laughs. Sitcoms performed before live audiences should hire these guys. They’re professional laughers.

Rishi rejoindered: “Christmas is also a time for families and, under the Conservatives, we do have a record number of them.” Jeezo. How have they managed that? We got a picture of mass, Moonie-style weddings.

On immigration, Keir acknowledged that at least Rishi has the can-do spirit: “He’s kicked the can down the road.” Then it was serious panto-time, with the Labour leader addressing the Tory benches like an audience of kids: “In the last week,” he began, “his [Rishi’s] own MPs have said of him: he’s not capable enough; he’s inexperienced; he’s arrogant: a really bad politician.”

That had them retorting in not so many words: Oh no, he’s not! “They’re shouting,” laughed Sir K, winding them up further. “Well, come on, come on! Who was it who said he was a really bad politician? Hands up!”

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The Tories looked like bairns caught opening presents early. “What about inexperienced?” the Labour man went on. “Who was that? Or – now there’s got to be some hands up for this – he’s got to go.” No hands went up. “Oh,” said Mr Starmer, “shy!”

The volume, however, did go up, prompting the Speaker to intervene: “It’s Christmas.” Loud cheers. “But you might not want the Christmas present that I could give you.” Cries of “Ooh!” What was it? A copy of Erskine May? Portcullis-patterned socks? The Collected Speeches of Sir Michael Fabricant?

Keir continued the festive banter: “They [the Tories] have obviously found a donkey for their nativity. The search for three wise men may take a little longer.” Meanwhile, with 140,000 children facing homelessness this Christmas, Tory backbenchers were “swanning around in their factions and their star chambers, pretending to be members of the Mafia”. Ouchy.

There was worse to come when, to an uncomfortable silence, Sir K read out 11-year-old Liam’s letter to Santa: “Please can I have a forever home. I don’t want any new toys. I just want all my old toys out of storage.” Bring a tear to a glass eye.

Rishi’s glass tends to be half-full on such matters, and he claimed rough sleeping was down 35 per cent, which is of course good if true, but which only prompted Mr Starmer to ask: “Is that his Christmas message to Liam?”

The aforementioned Mr Flynn of the SNP asked the PM to “please share his Christmas message for children being bombed in Gaza this winter”. Mr Sunak professed heartfelt concern about this and, only days ago, had raised it with Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. But the PM’s not in favour of a ceasefire, prompting Mr Flynn to ask, in light of a recent UN vote, “why 153 nations are wrong yet Westminster is right”.

After all this talk of an ugly war, the focus switched to impossibly handsome Dr Luke Evans (Con), a square-jawed chap whom you could quite easily imagine on the cover of one of those Mills & Boon medical romances. You know the sort of thing: Surgeon’s Challenge; The Doctor’s Delusion; Nurse at Noongwalla; Doctor’s Problem. All actual titles, as was Not Again, Nurse!, surely an unintended double-entendre.

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Dr Evans’ problem was supermarket websites that don’t have a “Buy British” button. Good lord, it’s disgraceful. However, Luke has been campaigning for such a button and was able to report a first success with Morrison’s. Its online book section is limited – mainly Roald Dahl and Peppa Pig – but keep a look-out for a forthcoming Mills & Boon, with Dr Evans and a nurse on the cover, staring into each other’s eyes underneath the title Press My Buttons, Doctor. Might make a nice last-minute Xmas pressie for someone.